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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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Hi i have been with my boyfriend 2 years and i love him very

Customer Question

Hi i have been with my boyfriend 2 years and i love him very much but i don't know if he loves me anymore he won't tell me that he does but acts like he still does in ways and not in others. This has only started to happen since i got depression and my behaviour changed. I have taken alot of stress out on him and acted bitter towards other people's, including his success.I know this now on reflection but didn't realize at the time. I want to make it up to him but worry it is too late. he has started drinking more and we had a massive argument when he came in one night i lost my temper and hit him. After that he said he wanted some space so i accepted that. He then rang me that night when he had had a drink and was friendly and wanted to see me the next day because he was off work. When i contacted him the next day i told him and he didn't remember , he was very cold and sounded angry he said he had to go and hung up. i havn't spoke to him since and its been 1 day.i miss him like crazy.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

Based on what you have written, I would recommend scheduling a time with your boyfriend when the two of you will be undisturbed and can talk in a peaceful environment, for example: going to a park for a picnic. See if he is willing to schedule this time with you now and you can tell him that you want to talk to him about your behavior which is why you want to schedule a time for the two of you to meet. If he doesn't want to see you now, then give him some space and try at a later time ensuring that you tell him that you want to talk to him about your behavior. During this time tell him how much you love him and that you want to be accountable for taking stress out on him and for hitting him. Tell him that you are sorry for doing these things and that you would like him to help you no longer behave in this manner because it is unhealthy for both of you and because you love him. Discuss with him possible options to working through these issues with him and decide together what steps you will take to prevent repeating these behaviors, for example: will you go to counseling, will you go to a support group for people who struggle with depression, and etc. Then move forward in your relationship doing the things that the two of you have agreed to.
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I have already told him i love him and he knows i do. i lost my temper and hit him because he swore at me and said hurtful things. He also pushed me over twice in reaction but still thinks it is all my fault. Whenever i try to talk about are relationship he just ignores me and says i am being annoying, whenever im at his house he just watches tv and ignores me. i think meeting at a park will be a great idea!
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
I understand your situation a little better now. Please know that physical violence is not healthy and is dangerous for both of you, if it continues then you both should consider getting counseling for this issue. I still think that the two of you should talk again in the manner I described covering the things I suggested and also discuss his reaction to you by pushing you over twice. He must also be accountable for his behavior and I think he is blaming you because he is probably thinking, if you had never hit me then I would have not hit you. However, he needs to be accountable for hitting you and to apologize for it just as you need to be accountable for hitting him and apologize for it. Then after you have discussed the above in a calm and non blaming tone, you should honestly discuss with him ways that the two of you can make your relationship more fulfiling and happy for both of you so that neither one of you feels frustrated or ignored. For example, discuss together the possibility of doing a special thing each week (away from your houses) that you each want to do mutually in order for you each to have quality time together, such as perhaps playing a sport together or going to an outdoor sporting game together, and etc. Also, consider making sacrifices for each other. For example, if he loves sports and you hate them, maybe sacrifice by going to a sporting event with him and enjoying it with him by simply being there with him in a positive manner and he could do the same for you. For example, if you love poetry readings and he hates them, he could sacrifice by going to a poetry reading with you and enjoying it with you simply by being there with you in a positive manner.
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Dear XXXXX for the advice so far. Another thing he has recently said i am needy, clingy, and pathetic. So i am worried about contacting him in case it makes him think it even more. I don't know how long to leave it before we see each other again? Soon as he has said he wants some space i thought i best not ring him. But i do not understand why he rang me last night and then told me he couldn't remember at all and was very off and cold with me. Why do you think he would do that?
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
I think you should wait until he contacts you again, it seems obvious that he still cares about you very much based upon all you have written thus far. I think he called you last night for the simple reason that he cares about you very much and also he could be feeling guilty and bad for pushing you over twice but doesn't know how to say this. This is why he may have called you and said he didn't remember the incident and then became very cold and distant from you. This is also why I suggest waiting until he contacts you again before trying to schedule a time to talk with him in the manner I described previously. Also, when you two talk you should also discuss with him what things specifically make him feel as if you are being clingy and needy. Discuss both of your view points on this matter and ways that you can both move beyond this issue. Remember it takes two to make a relationship work, so also discuss your concerns with his behavior towards you and the ways that you both can move pass these issues. For example, be sure to tell him how he made you feel when he called you pathetic (-how it hurt you and belittled you etc.) and ask him not to speak to you in this manner.

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