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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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I have been married 19yrs, but have been in a relationship

Customer Question

I have been married 19yrs, but have been in a relationship with him for 29yrs. I am 49 and he is soon to be 47 years of age. we have four children together.
We have had difficulties in our relationship as may married couples do. However, about four years ago I spoke to him about my concerns that things had become stale and that i wanted to spend more quality time with him. Last year things came to a head when i found out he was in some considerable debt and instead of working thins out he began going out without me and consequently choose to engage in an affair with someone he approached whilst on a night out. They have been in a emotional and sexual relationship for approximately the past seven months. His mistress was aware that he was married and has three children and i'm given to understand that she has recently divorced from her hubby in a marriage that lasted some 22yrs.
Both my husband and her, although I have evidence of there affair, have continued to lie about there affair.
My husband has asked for a divorce stating that he doesn't love me any more and i asked him to move out. They continued there affair but kept ling say that they had stopped seeing each other. However I did not trust them as my gut instinct told me they were still together and he was spending 3-4 nights sleeping at her home (with her children there too!). Recently I found out where she and took all my husbands belongings to her home and is now living with her and her children. I guess i wanted her to not just have the pleasure of sleeping with him i wanted her to have him warts and all. My hope is that my husband will come to see that the grass is not always greener and I hope that he will come to his senses and realise the devastation he has caused to our family.
I would like some advice or stats as to other couples in my situation reconciling or for me to be able to get into a more trusting and loving relationship in the future.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello I am sorry for this difficult time you are going through. In terms of stats for other couples in this situation, approximately 50%-60% out of 100% of my clients who desire to get back together after an affair are able to with intense therapy and work to heal all of the damage caused by the affair. However, in your situation, it sounds as if your husband does not desire to reconcile based upon his selfish actions of continuing the affair behind your back and spending nights at her house. Also, he told you that he doesn't love you anymore which is another huge red flag that you should begin the process of healing for yourself. Please take the time that you need now away from him and begin to focus on yourself. What you need to do is to move forward and focus on you, slowly but surely move forward and the way you would do this is: 1. Get a positive support system in place for yourself which includes loved ones and friends you can trust and share this horrible experience with. 2. You are dealing with the major event of having your marriage end so I recommend going to see a third party (- pastor, therapist, counselor, etc.) in person on a weekly basis to help you deal with this major life changing event (-especially the guilt, hurt, confusion, frustration, anger, etc. that you naturally feel). If you are religious, your place of worship may have free counseling available (-many churches have free counseling).
3. Also, many support groups are free. Search the internet by your city and state for possible support groups in your area comprised of other people who are dealing with their relationships/marriages ending and go get emotional support from them. 4. Write down how you feel in a journal. Then close out each writing session by meditating: close your eyes, breathe in deeply and exhale. At the same time think of something peaceful. For example: a bright blue ocean with deep rich blue waves gently whispering against the beach. Meditating will also help you through this difficult time and help you to heal. It will take some time, but you will get through this very painful and difficult time if you do the above steps that I recommend. Once you have completely healed of the hurt and pain that he has caused you, you will without question be able to have a more loving and trusting relationship when you are able and ready to date again, but right now you need to focus on healing by doing the above steps.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
how lightly is it that tere relationship will last. it seems unfair tha they can cause such hurt and their relaionship be happy and long lasting.

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