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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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I have a relative who is constantly asking us for material

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I have a relative who is constantly asking us for material things, to do personal favors, and is very much focused on herself. If I do not do these things for her she shuns me and turns other people away from me. She will also include others in things that she does not include me in. I have to maintain some type of amicable relationship with her because of the family connection.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 7 years ago.

Good Morning,


Setting boundaries would be what you may want to continue doing. She is trying to make you a codependent in her life (and is going to continue to take advantage of you if you allow her)


She should not be able to turn others away form you (that must be their own choice) and you will want to find out what is she telling them and let them know your side of the story.


If there are others who agree with your approach, include them in your intervention towards this relative (have them take up your side) You just have to say enough is enough at some point (otherwise this will continue to go on)


some book suggestions


Too Nice for Your Own Good : How to Stop Making 9 Self-Sabotaging Mistakes by Duke Robinson (Paperback - Nov. 1, 2000)


How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, and What Matters Most to You by Patti Breitman and Connie Hatch (Paperback - Feb. 13, 2001)

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
You're right. She is a user. The way she turns others from me (or our immediate family) is to do things for her friends, then try to enlist us to take care of the friend's kids, etc. We say no, then she gets mad at us and turns them away from us by making them feel sorry for her when we won't do what she wants. It's basically the same with our extended family. To them it appears she is a wonderful giving person, but then again when we refuse to do what she wants she makes us look terrible to them. If we discuss this with the extended family I believe we will look tacky. It does not matter how much we do for her or how much we spend on her she never acknowledges it, says thank's never enough.

Knowing more details, I do appreciate the book recommendations very much, but wondering if there are any others you would recommend. Thank you.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 7 years ago.

She is playing mind games (being passive aggressive) The only other book that comes to mind is

Toxic People: 10 Ways Of Dealing With People Who Make Your Life Miserable by Lillian Glass (Paperback - Feb. 15, 1997)

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