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I have a dilemma that deals with the relationship between my

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mother and my girlfriend. My...
I have a dilemma that deals with the relationship between my mother and my girlfriend. My girlfriend and i have been dating for over a year. We have a beautiful baby girl who is 5 months old. We moved in together after 3 months of being together, since then things have been very rocky between my mother and my girlfriend. My mother feels that my girlfriend does not open up to her, that she distants herself from my family and does not show any concern for them. My girlfriend feels that my mother expects certain things to be done by her from my mother and does want to be pressured into doing things she is not feel ready to do, she would like to do things at her pace when she is comfortable as she says. Recently my mother had an operation and my girlfriend did not call her to see how she was doing, my mother and I were very upset about this. I dont know how to handle this situation because my mother feels that I am the one to blame for this. Please help me to find a reasonable soluition.
Submitted: 7 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 21 minutes by:
4/9/2010
Counselor: Angela, Counselor replied 7 years ago
Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience: n/a
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Hello,
This situation with your mother and your girlfriend can be resolved easily through communication, however, they are both letting their pride get in the way of simply communicating with each other by blaming the other person and you and not feeling as if they should sit down and talk the problems (-which is unhealthy and immature behavior). Therefore, in this respect, they will both have to lay aside their pride and realize that communication is the way to resolve these problems and that communicating with each other is not contingent upon who is at fault or upon who is to blame. Communicating with each other is something that mature adults need to do in this case in order to quickly and easily resolve tensions and frustrations. Also, it is necessary because you obviously love both of these women very much, therefore, all of you will be in each other's lives for a very long time, so why not exist in each other's lives in a peaceful manner by simply talking about the issues and working through them together with you present to act as a mediator if needed. Therefore, you have to explain all of the above to them in your own words and continue to patiently wait for them to lay aside their pride and to talk about their problems. Until they do this, there is nothing more that you can do. Also, it seems as if your girlfriend didn't call your mother after surgery do to feeling hurt and disrespectful by the demands she feels your mother makes of her (-something which also needs to be discussed among the three of you). So please continue to persevere with explaining the aforementioned reasons to them concerning why the 3 of you need to talk and discuss things and continue to patiently wait for them to lay aside their pride and be willing to sit down and talk. Also, you could suggest going someplace relaxing such as to a park and have a picnic and then the 3 of you could have the conversation.
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Customer reply replied 7 years ago

Thank you for your quick reply to my problem. I do realize that communication is the key to this; pride is the underlying factor that is stopping them from talking to one another. The problem that I have with all of this is patience. The two of them have been going back and forth at each other but not once have they said what they to each other, I have been the middle man through all of this, it feels horrible because it almost feels like there making me choose sides, they say that there not but I still feel that they are. I attempted to have my girlfriend accompany me to my mother's house this weekend with our daughter but both decided that it was not a good time for them to be around each other yet. My mother is stubborn and hardheaded; my girlfriend is very stern in her beliefs so trying to get through to them only causes tension me and them

Counselor: Angela, Counselor replied 7 years ago
Hello,
I understand how difficult this is and it's terrible that you are stuck in the middle. Since you cannot force either one of them to lay aside their pride and do the right thing which is to talk about their problems, you will be left with this horrible foolishness because you can only control your actions and not their actions. Therefore, what you could also let each of them know when they come to complain about the other person to you- you could tell them that until they are ready to talk about their problems to one another that you no longer want to hear about them because you have been trying to get them to discuss them in order to move past them. Also, you could tell them that it is not fair or healthy for you to continually be caught in the middle because they refuse to talk about the problems and that it continues to drain you because you love them very much and simply want them to talk to one another and to move pass their problems. The purpose for doing the above would be to prevent you from getting burnt out as you continue to try and reason with them to talk about their problems....so if they don't want to talk to each other about the problems, you don't want to hear about them because it is not fair or healthy to you. Also, once they understand the aforementioned, do not let them drag you into listening to their complaints about each other and everytime they attempt to calmly tell them, this is why the two of you need to talk about it in person because it will only continue to get worse the longer the two of you don't talk about it and also you don't not want their problems negatively affecting their relationship with your daughter...and then don't let them tell you anything more about their complaints with each other. I am sorry their is no easy fix to this since the people who must do the talking refuse to talk to one another at the moment.
Angela
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