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Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1492
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
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my husband and i have been together for 12yrs but in recent

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my husband and i have been together for 12yrs but in recent times he has become more and more obsessed with men and trying out sexual fantasies. Hes never been emotionally open, infact hes emotionally cut off compared to me but then i discovered he had been to some mans house TWICE for what he claims was merely oral sex performed only on him but i read the texts sent by the other guy who said he had porn and lube and the lot. I freaked out. What the hell is he doing. He cries - he denies anything big went on but come on im not an idiot. I dont trust him anymore. Surely if he can do it once he can do it again and how long WOULD he have carried on or how far would it have gone if i hadnt found out !!!!!
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
What is your question and how can I help you?
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
i guess my question is why is he chasing men. Is he confused ? Is he bisexual ? something isnt right if he's going after a man for sexual kicks and not me
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
My best guess, since I don't know your husband, is that he is either bisexual and likes both men and women or that he truly is gay and has just used your relationship as a cover. No matter the reason, I think you need to treat this situation as an extramarital affair. I do believe he is trying to pull a fast one on you and I am glad you are not letting him off the hook so easily. Only he can truly tell you why he is doing this but from the looks of it he is going to take the lying approach. that you know he sleeps with men, cheats on you, and is a liar, what's your move?

Good luck.
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
please click the accept button.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
to be perfectly honest i thinkyour reply is cold, insensitive and callous. You may as well have said " well you silly mare for loving someone so what do you expect." Its hard to feel betrayed by someone you have married but i dont need a double whammy of being made to feel like an idiot when asking for advice. I understand perfectly well - and so does he what a fool hes been. I wanted sincere advice not to have my nose rubbed in it
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
Wow do you have a distorted perception of what I said. If you feel like an idiot it is because that is how you perceive yourself and not from what I wrote. You want answers to why he is like that and I give you answers but it is just a guess. If you want callous and insensitive I could have taken the other approach and said that you were not taking care of your man at home and that is why he found someone else. But I didn't. Best of luck to you.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

i am sure there must be many reasons why people cheat. Yes he may be bi sexual, yes true it could have been my fault for not keeping him happy at home or even his own fault for not feeling able to turn to me for whatever reason. What upset me was the way you made him sound like a bit of a low life who had slept with a man, lied and seem like he was just cold hearted about the whole thing. Not every man that cheats does it because they are a bad person. You have to view the over all personality of the person not just the fact that he cheated and whilst i accept that on your part you dont know him, i felt that your implication was that hes just no good. Hes a good husband in alot of ways but obviously got underlying issues. I wondered why he has them. My issue was not that he cheated but why.

Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
I am sorry if you don't want to hear the truth. I work with what information you provide me and YOU paint the picture of him as a bad man. I don't care if he is husband or father of the year. What he did is inexcusable and not the type of "good husband' as you put it, that most women want. You keep looking for answers elsewhere when you need to be asking him. If you can't believe the answers he tells you then that should tell you something in and of itself.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
i understand what you are saying but surely there has to be hope. Does it have to be so cut and dried. Maybe i make excuses for him or see the good because i love him. You cant give up on 12yrs of married life; and yes i know, i know, i can hear you saying "well he did" and you're right he did but cant you try to make a person better by having faith in them. If i believe in him then eventually something good has to come of it right - or am i clutching at straws. Surely no one is all black or all white. It isnt about wether i trust and have faith in him but wether i have faith in my ability to turn the relationship around. If i thought it was a forgone conclusion then id be gone. Dont you have to fight for what you believe in. Ok i know he didnt but if we both thought that way then whats the point in carrying on. A girl has to try surely and im not giving up yet
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
I can't tell you if it will work out between the two of you. That is totally dependent on 1) if you can move past this, and 2) how much he wants to make it work with you. That is going to be the botXXXXX XXXXXne on the matter. Go to counseling and see if it can be repaired. Good luck.
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