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I just got back with my ex-boyfriend, we had briefly taken

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a step back from our...
I just got back with my ex-boyfriend, we had briefly taken a step back from our relationship in the wake of him returning from being deployed and readjusting to the "normal" routine of military life in the USA. We broke up cause he felt like he couldn't ask me for what he felt he needed, he needed some time and space to get his feet under him but because he didnt feel like he could ask for that, instead he lied bout still being deployed. after i found out he was home, i broke up with him.

now we met up to talk, really break down everything that happened and try to figure out if things were salvagable. i had a huge list and it took us a while, but we did talk in depth bout everything. i'm to the point where im ready and willing to give another chance, but my family isn't. i need advice on how to talk to my family. i know the risk, but i cant ignore how i feel and how much sense it makes to me to be with my boyfriend. i also want to know if im making the right decision
Submitted: 7 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 4 hours by:
4/9/2010
Counselor: Dr. Paige, Psychologist replied 7 years ago
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,427
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Verified

The best thing to do in a situation like this, is to have a serious, mature conversation with your family. Invite your boyfriend over or invite your family out to dinner with you, and then bring your boyfriend along or have him meet you there. When you sit them down, you can both tell them how much you love and care for one another, and how you know that things have been rocky in the past, but you both are working through them because the relationship means a lot to you. They need to see that you are adults, and that you are capable of making your own choices. It is also important to have your boyfriend speak up. He needs to tell them that he is extremely apologetic to you for the pain he caused, but he loves you very much and is thankful that you are back in his life. By taking this initiative, you are showing them that you respect their concerns about you, but you are old enough, responsible enough, and intellectual enough to have an adult relationship with your boyfriend. As adults themselves, they will come to see your point of view, because with their own life experiences they surely understand that relationships are tough, and sometimes people get confused, make mistakes, and etc. I guarantee that if you use this technique, you will gain the respect and approval of your doubting family members.

 

Thank you in advance, and please remember to press the accept button if you are happy with your answer. :-) Good luck with everything!

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Customer reply replied 7 years ago
I respect what you said, but getting my boyfriend and my family together is just not possible. When he scheduled his leave and made plans, we werent together, us getting back together was something we both did together. It took us 5 days to do all of the talking we both wanted to do, hours and hours of communicating and listening and asking questions, voicing concerns, etc. But, when he gets back to alaska, which is where he is stationed, he won't have vacation time where he can leave alaska for a few months and my family and i live in washington. I'm 27 and i've been screwed over so many times but ive always taken my responsibility for putting myself in situations or not having the courage to step up. i know the risk, yes he did hurt me terribly but i dont think that what happened was so bad that i can't forgive him. i wont just forgive him, i will insist on proof, but i also understand that we all get scared with choices in our lives and sometimes its a lot easier to runaway than face them.

sitting my family down will be a good thing to do, it is terribly important to me that they accept him. he is the man i love and it is important to me that having him in my life doesnt drive a wedge between me and my family inadvertently. but getting him in front of them just isnt possible.

plus, i'd still like some help in knowing if im making a good decision in taking him back and continuing a life with him. i like to have all of the information and to ask all of the right questions. when he gets back from vacation, his plans are to first bring me up to get a feel for where he lives and to go apartment hunting, job hunting, and figure out when to move me up. he wants to find an apartment for both of us but mind you that he wouldnt move in until after we're married. our religious views are pretty clear when it comes to those things. im pretty sure he's going to propose fairly quickly. but i also know that until the day that i say "i do" that i still have options, by no means will i be stuck and i do have the freedom to leave or get out when i want.
Counselor: Dr. Paige, Psychologist replied 7 years ago

I believe that if you have spoken to him, voiced your concerns, and you feel that he is genuinely apologetic ready to change, give you what you need, and that you can trust him, then yes, I think you are making the right choice by taking him back. There is nothing wrong with giving someone a second chance. We all make mistakes. :-)

 

If your boyfriend cannot be there then you will have to sit down with your family yourself. Communicating with them in the right way is still the best way to resolve this issue. Tell them exactly what you told me. Tell them nicely that this is the man you love, and if they love you they need to learn respect your decision to continue the relationship and to accept him as a person. Tell them that it is important to you not to drive a wedge in your relationship with them because of him, and that is why you are having this conversation.

 

Good luck and I hope it works out well for you. :-)

Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
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Satisfied Customers: 1,427
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