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Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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how do u deal with a person that has recently been hurt from

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how do u deal with a person that has recently been hurt from passed relationships and is afraid and preventing himself from falling in love? if his spouse tells him he loves him he is afraid we are talking about a person that has been abused by his ex with money etc
Hello and thanks for using!

Is this someone you're in a relationship with currently?
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
yes been divorced twice his been through a lot first wife left him as she was diagnosed with cancer secound wife rejected him found someone else
when we have a nice time i see that spark in his face and then when i tell him i love you he goes mad he said i need to recover i dont think i will ever fall in love again i like you a lot i respect you but i can not commit in any full time relationship bare in mind he spend 6 times a week at my home we are like a married couple
sometimes he talk about getting a house together then he changes his mind he really is a nice person and i am willing to be patient i told him to break up he said he just wants the relationship to stay as it is and not go forward he does not want to stop seeing me
also i have helped him so much and he tells me he feals safe with me
Sounds like the relationship is moving forward, albeit slowly. How long have you been together??

The fact that he tells you he feels safe with you is a great sign. He's afraid and may shy away when he feels like you're getting too close. Opening up and trusting is scary for him for obvious reasons. All you can do is continue to be there for him and take small steps in creating a deeper, more committed relationship. Ask when he's ready (or what it would take for him to feel more safe) for next steps, but be sure to leave the ball in his court. Otherwise, it comes across as putting pressure on him and he'd likely shut down.

He's been through a lot. Has he ever seen a counselor to sort through all of it?? Would he be open to that possibility? Counseling is a safe place for him to share his feelings and work toward feeling more at peace with everything he's been through. Doing this would definitely help him in his ability to trust and love again.
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
thanks i just feel hurt when he tells me he does not love me last night he said to me u think i dont like you if i got bored of u i would of left 6 months ago we have been dating for more than a year was seeing however he was legally married his wife left 4 months ago and filled for divorce on xmas day she is studying outside london and she only came over the wkends but they were fighting and had no intimacy ( i know as a friend confirmed that)
last night he said i am with you for various reasons that i do not want to disclose if u dont believe me will my body lie??? then when i told him u are the love of my life he started to attack me that i am adding pressure to him he said he does not want to get married and he is not good for me i am too much for him and i am at the age that i must have kids and get married and he can not offer that for me and i dont want to have a comitment so i dont louse it again i really do love him he refuses to go to consoling i told him
i have been there for him helped him set up a business as i am an accountant helped him inject some money i help him with the CSA has a kid from first wife the 2nd wife rejected his kid and became nasty to both of them should i say more... pls how do i cope you seem to know what u are saying had a few answsers from the mental experts but they told me to run away how can i????
It's normal for you to feel hurt and disappointed when he tells you he doesn't love you. It's interesting that he can't tell you the reasons he's with you, but you know him well... Any guesses?? I wonder if there's a compromise you can reach when it comes to sharing your feelings. He likes you and has told you that. Is there something else he's comfortable saying to express his feelings that might be more meaningful than "I like you?" You could tell him that you understand he won't say "I love you" and you know why. With that said, you need to hear more than just "I like you." See if he has anything else to offer. Perhaps hearing things such as "I really care about you" or "I enjoy being with you" will help to fill that void and enable him to open up a little more about his feelings. If he's not able (or not willing) to do this for you, that in itself says a lot.

The botXXXXX XXXXXne is that you need to decide whether what he can offer you is enough. Are you looking for marriage and children now? He's made it clear he can't offer either of those things. He might in the future, but he might not. It doesn't sound like he's looking to resolve any of the issues his previous relationships left behind. Unfortunately, that desire to change and WANT to trust others again is important if he's ever going to get there. There's a chance that this is all he will ever be able to offer you. If that's ok with you, there's no problem. However, if you want more, you need to realize there are many other men out there who are looking for committed relationships. The time you stay in this one waiting for him to change is potentially time you could be searching for the kind of commitment you deserve. I'm not saying you should run. I'm saying you should take an honest look at what it is you want in your life and wether you believe this person can offer what you're looking for.

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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
he tells me many times he cares a lot about me and really enjoys being with me and has feelings for me but does not say he loves me he treats me like a queen maybe its a cover up who knows
Perhaps he just has difficulty saying the L word. I know a few relationships like this where one partner has yet to say it (even 4 years later!) Would you be ok with not hearing it or hearing it only very rarely? Some people are. If you are not one of them, though, that's important to recognize. I would warn that relationships where one partner is unable to express his / her feelings are typically not the healthiest!

It's interesting that he cares about you, likes you, enjoys spending time with you, but draws the line at telling you he loves you and has even told you he does NOT love you. I wonder how he defines love??
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