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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Ive been in a defacto relationship for 25 years with 2 daughters

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I've been in a defacto relationship for 25 years with 2 daughters and we did separate for a year but still lived in the same house, I finally had proof of his infidelity that has been going on for years, I knew of the cheating and was in denial for so long. He has become more controlling and very self absorbed and I've tried to talk about his infidelity and how I feel, but he will not validate my thoughts and he doesn't like confrontation. I feel I'm dealing with someone who's controlling, without being obvious and I questioned myself for years and now I realise it's him conditioning my mind. He gave me a choice, to separate and move out or to get back together. My mother was ill with cancer at the time and passed away suddenly last Nov '09, so we got back together and there's still unsolved issues and his dishonesty is always a reminder. I'm going through many emotions with grieving the lost of my mum and have no one I can share this with.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
I am sorry for this difficult time you are going through. I would recommend deciding whether or not you want to remain in a relationship that is not fulfilling your basic core needs (emotionally, mentally, and etc.). Typically a person who controls another person does not stop such behavior unless he acknowledges it and is willing to work on it to change it. It doesn't sound like this is the case, therefore, your relationship will continue to be controlling and unsatisfying. You deserve to be in a relationship in which your partner values and respects you and shows this towards you such as by being faithful and loving towards you.
Concerning your mother's death (-which I am very sorry about, mothers have a special place in our hearts), you will need to go through the stages of grief that everyone must go through when a loved one dies (-denial, anger, bargaining, etc.) in order to help you deal with your mother's death in a healthy and healing manner. Therefore, I would like for you to search online for local "grief support groups" in your area and inquire about going (-some churches and hospitals also will have this type of support group). Usually support groups are free and you desperately need this support to help you now, especially to help you begin to move through the stages of grief for your mental, emotional, and physical well being.
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