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Hello,I was in a relationship for 5 years, engaged, planning

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to get married in July...
Hello,I was in a relationship for 5 years, engaged, planning to get married in July I was so deeply in love and these 5 years were the happiest in my life The man i was going to get married to is the only man for me the only man i want to have children with Despite all this I betrayed him First I had a virtual affair and then it switched to a physical one,but there was no sex I met with this guy on a business trip and we were flirting with each other I enjoyed the attention I got from him.It was attention a man can give to a woman.At the end of this trip,we kissed,it was just an innocent kiss.Then he started writing to me to some email address he created and then gave me the password XXXXX got involved in this email communication.On the second trip it got more physical,for 3 days we were seeing each other.Spending time in each other's rooms,it was all quite intimate.Our communication after was getting more and more intense.My fiance found out.The wedding is off.He would not trust again.
Submitted: 7 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 2 hours by:
4/2/2010
Counselor: Angela, Counselor replied 7 years ago
Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience: n/a
Verified
Hello J,
Based upon what you have written along with what you have tried, I would recommend that you both go to a counselor. In situations such as the one you have described where trust has been broken and betrayal occurred, it is very difficult for the two people involved to rebuild their relationship on their own, usually a third party (-counselor, therapist, etc.) is required to guide them through the process and to ensure that they fully understand what each other is saying during the counseling sessions. You could ask your him would he be willing to go to a counselor with you, if he is then great. If he says no, then you just have to give him time and space to vent and heal and then see if perhaps at a later time he would be willing to go to a counselor in order for you both to try and rebuild your relationship especially in the areas of trust.

Also, a book I recommended to my clients dealing with the same situation which they found helpful, can be found by clicking here:

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Customer reply replied 7 years ago
Hi, I am not really satisfied as I do not think the advice is personal. I am not J first of all and secondly, the advice is very generic.
Counselor: Angela, Counselor replied 7 years ago
Hello J,
Note that J comes from the guess name that is assigned to you, look above and you will see your guess name starts with J and is very long. I naturally would not know your actual name unless you wanted to share it. Therefore, I would naturally refer to your guess name that was assigned to you. Also, that's fine if you would like another opinion............best of luck!

Edited by Angela (M. A. in Community Psy.) on 4/2/2010 at 9:08 PM EST
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Customer reply replied 7 years ago
Hi,

Still do not see the J name, but it is not a big deal now. Sorry, i did not mean to sound inpolite.

It just felt a bit like copy-paste job, but i guess this is the right advice. I will be going to the cousellor and hope that my fiance will come with me one day.

Just one last question before I accept, from your own experience how possible is it to rebuild the trust? Do you have any success stories?

My fiance is saying he would like to continue, but he is affraid that in a few months he would look back and realise that he made the biggest mistake. What should I do? How to convince him? Would couselling help at all here?
Counselor: Angela, Counselor replied 7 years ago
Hello J,

Just for your information (-I don't know how things show up on the customer's side) on my side this is the guess name assigned to you and how it looks on my end:

The honest answer based upon my clients that I have counseled is it is possible to rebuild the trust, however, it takes a great deal of work and time to do so. Some of my clients were able to rebuild their relationships after a year of intense work and some of my clients have tried to rebuild their relationships but could not do to not being able to move pass the infidelity. However, the fact that your fiance is willing to continue is excellent so support him and be there for him. I think you should also support him as he deals with the roller coaster of emotions that he more than likely will experience as you both try to move pass this. He wants to continue and that's great, but if in a few months he feels as if he made a mistake, you should know that this is typical of the roller coaster of emotions that he may experience as he tries to work through the feelings of hurt, betrayal, and of broken trust. I want to make sure that you are aware of the roller coaster of emotions that he may go through so that you are not confused by them as they surface- it is very normal as he tries to heal and move forward. Also, as you continue to support him by letting him vent and heal, yes counseling would be beneficial for both of you because it typically takes intense work by both people to rebuild their relationship in this type of situation and a therapist will keep you both on the same page and ensure that you are both fully understanding how the other person feels as you go through the process along with taking the necessary steps to rebuild your relationship. This is the honest truth, it can be done as long as both people continue to work at it and preferably with a therapist (-but don't forget it takes intense work, it is not easy). Also, the book I recommended is one that my clients use in addition to therapy because it involves intense work to rebuild a relationship.


Edited by Angela (M. A. in Community Psy.) on 4/2/2010 at 9:38 PM EST
Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience: n/a
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Customer reply replied 7 years ago
Thank you so much for your response, Angela. I hope this all works out for us.
Counselor: Angela, Counselor replied 7 years ago
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