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Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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Ask Jennifer. The ex had texted me that she wanted to talk

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Ask Jennifer. The ex had texted me that she wanted to talk in person. Of coarse I agreed but not right away. I told her that there is somebody else and she was ok with that until we spoke. The new girl I am not really attracted to and I found out a couple of things (qualities that she possesses) that will be a turn off. So regarding the ex I think we found out why she shuts down from time to time. Is it possible that two people really care about each other too much and it gets scary that we both don't want to get hurt and then we just bail? In other words instead of taking a leap of faith we run for the hills. She said shes in love with me and does not want anyone else except me. She is sincere but I told her that we got to move forward in a healthy way. We both are insecure and need a lot of attention. When we are together things are awesome its when we are apart thats the tough part. Is there a way of handling this? I just cant move on. Care about her too much.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 7 years ago.
At a time when things are going well and neither of you are upset, sit down together and cone up with a plan to prevent her from shutting down. It's certainly possible that the intensity of it all is scary enough to make one or both of you run for the hills. How can you make each other feel more secure?? I'm most concerned about how she's going to meet your needs -- explain to her what her support would look like to you; how will you know she's there for you? By telling her exactly what you need, there will be less confusion in that area. Come to an agreement that instead of pulling the plug on the relationship when things get bumpy, you'll take some time to cool off (few hours? A day?) then come back to the table to do some creative problem solving together. The problems are never just hers or yours. They belong to both of you and will take both of you to reach effective solutions. If you're going to try this again, continue being open and honest with one another. Go slowly, too... I still think she needs time before she can make herself fully available to you and your relationship. As long as you know that, it might not be a problem.
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