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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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my ex and i went out for 5 months and we are eachothers first

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my ex and i went out for 5 months and we are eachothers first loves he has always been very gaurded and i'm the only person in his life who's ever gotten him to open up so i know i've made a huge impact on him. he just got a full time job and he's been diffrent i know he's tired when he gets off work but he completely stopped showing me affection for awhile which made me feel like i was being pushed away.about 5 days ago i broke up with him and he said a lot of angry things because he washurt. i told him i felt like my love was being taken for granted at this point because he had goten so comforable with me he just didnt try anymore. we met up later that night to talk and he said we should just be friends. about 5 mins later we ended up crying and holding eachother and he said he's so in love with me and is terrified to let me go so lately hes still been talking to me but i dont know what his motives are at this point? friends or is he hoping to be with me again? i want him back so bad
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello F,

Based on your ex acting different after getting a full time job, have you discussed with him why he has changed? For example, there is an obvious cultural difference among the two of you and I wonder if his change in behavior could have anything to do with the cultural differences and expectations from his point of view now that he is working full time. Also, 5 months is a good amount of time invested to show that you both genuinely care about each other, however, there is still more for the two of you to learn about each other even though it may seem as if you both know everything about each other already; as the two of you continue to grow together you will learn even more about each other. I would suggest sitting down with each other and honestly discussing the above things as well as what you both want to do from this point forward along with the expectations that each of you have of the other person from this point forward. Also, discuss all questions and concerns during this conversation and decide together what compromises you can both agree to in order to move forward in your relationship. At the end of your conversation with each other, neither one of you should be confused about anything because you both would have discussed all of your concerns and honestly answered each others questions along with deciding together how you will move forward in your relationship. Communication and compromises that you both agree to is the key to having a healthy and growing relationship.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

the only thing is we've been friends for about 3 years before we started going out so we know a lot about eachother already and as for the cultural diffrences it didnt seem to bother him at first because he's the "i'll do what i want" type of guy. he was born in america but his family is very traditional even though he isnt. other than that i did ask him if he though i should move on or if there was a chance for us and he just said i dont know i really cant answer that right now. i know there is no other girl in his life because he is way to in love with me to even think about any other girl but i feel like deep down he doesnt think it will work and he's confused. the last time we talked (about 3 days ago) he kept telling me how he felt like he should be on his knees begging for me and all he ever thought about was the future for us. when it comes to talking with him though about our relationship he rarely wants to hear about it unless he's broken down and feels like he's about to lose me he doesnt really like to communicate about our relationship other than that. it annoys him. he just sends many mixed signals

Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello F,

Well my concern is the greatest with the last few sentences that you wrote concerning him not liking to talk about your relationship.......if he is not willing to discuss your relationship I don't see how your relationship can grow and be healthy because communication about your relationship is a must for any relationship. Therefore, I can clearly see why you are receiving mixed signals from him. It's great that the two of you have been able to move past the fact that his family would not approve of your relationship, however, he's not doing the very basic requirement of discussing your relationship so that it can survive and grow. Since this is the way that he is, I think you have to decide on your end a couple of things: 1. How do you feel about being in a relationship where your partner doesn't want to discuss it unless he thinks you are going to leave him? If you are okay with that, then you could patiently wait on him to work through his confusion on his own. If you are not okay with it, then you should try to explain to him the importance of communicating with you about your relationship so that it can work long term (-this is the approach I would recommend because you deserve to be in a relationship where both parties are willing to discuss and work on their relationship so that it will grow in a healthy manner otherwise you will continue to get mixed signals and ultimately be dissatisfied). The honest truth is there is no way to avoid talking about your relationship if it is going to be a healthy one based on mutual respect and goals.
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