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Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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I have been married to my husband for 8 years, but we have

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I have been married to my husband for 8 years, but we have been together 17 years having met in college. Our relationship in the beginning was just easy and comfortable but as time worn on I wanted to buy a house, get married, start a family, etc. He always seemed reluctant in which would cause tension because he wasn't comitting too me. We sought counseling but only went for 5 sessions. Eventually after 9 years we broke up, he moved out over the holidays. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. My husband is a standup guy, we reconciled and eventually got married after I got pregnant with our second child. Now, 8 years later of marriage and 3 kids, my husband has been having an affair. He told me. An affair that is not just a fling, I fear. For the past year, I recognize that we have not been the best of partners to each other. We don't communicate well, we haven't been sharing time together in joint things we like to do, our sex life has dwindled, we have drifted just being more like roommates and great parents and that is it. He has pushed, he has tried to talk about things, but for me I have been afraid too. I never felt that he truly wanted me since our early relationship was kind of a struggle and not the ideal fairy tale. I had to drag him along to get him to committ. He never has said it but I have that he only married me because I got pregnant the first time. He is a great father, a good provider, a good friend but I fear I am losing that now. I love him. Can I save it?

Hey May,

You can save this if you both work at it. Relationships are very complex, and people come together for all kinds of reasons, and separate for all kinds of reasons. There isn't a fairy tale - except in books. Google 'save my marriage' and see all kinds of information. A good book is 'After the Affair".

You're hurting because he betrayed you and it's making you feel unlovable and low about yourself...every woman in your shoes would feel that. You've been hit hard and you're looking to find fault with yourself, which is fine to a point, but he had the affair and you didn't cause it. He's a big boy and messed around. It may not be anything more than that. People make mistakes and couples get over affairs all the time. You should get back into counseling and work on this together. Look forward, not in the past. You can get through this like many before you, but never trade your dignity for false hope. No matter what was in your relationship, you didn't deserve to be cheated on, and I'm sorry he did that to you and your family. He had no right to.

Most of all, remember that many things can be true at the same time. Men who love their wives can cheat on them. The betrayal is real and so can the reconciliation be. Be honest with yourself and find your strength - it's always there.

My best to you,
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