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Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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Hi, My husband and I have been married for about 3.5 years,

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My husband and I have been married for about 3.5 years, together for 5. We are still young (26 and 28). In the beginning we were inseparable. We loved each others company and couldn’t get enough of it. After a couple years into our marriage I gained a bit of weight and had a very low self esteem. My husband has a lot of friends, some of them being girls. He started to come home later at night and we stopped making love. He would tell me all of the time that he loves me the way I am. He said our love went deep. Although I felt as though his love for me was fading. Last month (Jan 10) we had a very big fight and I had blurted some jealousies. He said he couldn’t live like this anymore and that we should separate. I begged and cried for him to stay, but he left. He moved out. He suggested to see a marriage counselor. We made an appointment. A week later he asked me for a divorce saying that he loves me, but he has lost the spark. He said he isn’t ready to take the wedding ring off quite yet but he still wants our relationship to be over and that I should move on. He says he still wants to remain friends though. We both still went to the marriage counselor appointment but he said it was more for closure.

Since, I have lost some weight, gone out with friends and am seeing that other men are still attracted to me. I have been more confident overall, but miss him dearly. I am so confused. It has been about a month now since the break up with very little contact. At the counselor appt. he said it was over, but that we should still be friends and I should text him if I want to go on a walk with him and our dog (he has our dog). He says it is over, but his mixed messages is telling me otherwise. What should I do? It is crazy how one week he tells me he loves me and the next he says it is over. Help! Is it really over? Can I do anything? Can I be his friend?
Hello and thanks for using!

It sounds like the counseling session may have been closure for him, but not for you. I think you should ask to go for a walk. Then use that opportunity to have an open, honest conversation with him about the fact that his actions are confusing to you (telling you one week he loves you and then next that it's over, for example). Is he happy with his decision? This conversation will either open the door to the possibility of mending the relationship (I'd recommend you return to counseling together if this is the case) or provide you with the closure you need by hearing once and for all that he's done.

As far as your friendship, I think it's possible, but only after some time has passed and you've both moved on. Even then it will difficult to be close friends since that relationship would likely threaten any romantic involvements you have. A cordial relationship based upon mutual respect and the fact that you shared a marriage for a time would certainly be feasible.

Best of luck with the conversation you're going to have -- Be honest with him about your feelings, ask him what he wants and don't be afraid to tell him what you want as well.
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