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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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I am dating this guy for almost 10yrs. I am once divoced and

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I am dating this guy for almost 10yrs. I am once divoced and no desire to get married, so not getting married is not a problem, but I do want someone who I can build life together. My BF is very gentle and loving person. I know he loves me very much, but I can not think of him as a life partner. I love him very much and he is a great companion, but I feel I can not count on him for anything. I realized this even more when he lost job last Feb. I found out he had not saved a penny and since then only income he has is unemployment check. He can not even get credit card. I have been paying for almost everything. He also have legal problems which is setting him back even more financially.
I waited for a while to buy a condo with him, but he can not save money, so I bought it by myself last year and, basically he just live in my house without making any contribution. He has not had money to buy my me a holiday, bd, or valentines gift in years. Should I continue to support him?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello M,
Based upon what you have written, I do not think you should continue to support him because it will clearly continue to be a drain on you financially, mentally, and emotionally. I think you should have a honest conversation with him and share all of the above concerns that you wrote about with him and see if there are options that you both can agree to in order to move beyond these issues and to build a life together in the manner that you desire. If there are no compromises or options that satisfy you in moving beyond all of your concerns with him then you should definitely discontinue supporting him. Discussing your concerns with him is the best way to be true to yourself and to him. Then if it is necessary to stop supporting him at least you would have attempted to rectify the problem before discontinuing support of him which hopefully would also give you peace about the situation.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

I have already discussed all the issue with him and he knows I how I feel. However, he would not leave my house and I am also feel bad to kick him out. My feeling is probably close to a mother who has looser son. I feel like he is my family and it is hard to kick him out. I make enough money to support both of us, but I don't want to be responsible for both of us rest of our life. Am I being selfish? Sometime I think bout people give money to stranger for charity, so I should not feel so bad about supporting the person I love, but at the same time, I maybe able to meet my equal to build better life together if I am not with him. I don't know what to do.

Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello M,
You are not being selfish due to not wanting to continue to support him you are simply human and you want the type of relationship that it sounds like he can not give you. Since you know he will not be able to fulfill your relationship needs you have to take care of yourself and your needs first. You could choose to continue to support him, however, doing so would not be fair to you as well as possibly preventing you from meeting the right guy to have a future with. Therefore, you could develop a timeline for him to adhere to with your help so that he can start to become independent of you and no longer be codependent on you. Once you develop the timeline sit down and discuss it with him and let him know that you will help him to work on the items of the timeline because you care about him. The timeline should include things that you know he is able to achieve, first and foremost for him would be to earn income so that you are not providing for him. Second, consider what changes you want to occur to your living arrangement and make them (-for example- if you share the same room, maybe have him move out and into a different room etc.). Third, decide on any other changes you would like to have made which would further enable him to be independent of you. For example: once he is earning income you could help him look for his own place or you could charge him rent. Doing the above steps will help you move him from being codependent on you to being independent of you. Also, you would be helping him by enabling him to once again be independent as well as freeing yourself of this situation.
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