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Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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Have I just thrown away the best thing I ever had or likely

Customer Question

Have I just thrown away the best thing I ever had or likely to have?
I fell in love with this teacher in college when I was 16. He was 31.
We spent 2 years smiling etc, then I left. I was heartbroken and thought Id never see him again. Then we met again when I was 19 and began dating. We have had the best time and travelled all over the world. After 3 yrs he took me to Venice and proposed. Heaven. The only strange thing was that he didnt like me spending the nights at his house except saturdays or half term holidays. I saw him nearly every night and we were always together. His family and mine were happy or us. He told me quite early on that he would like to work abroad at some point. I spent most of my time trying to find a job abroad so we could go together. My only stipulation was he try and go to an english speaking country as this gave me a good chance of finding a job as well as I wanted him to have his dream. After 5 or 6 years, I mentioned isnt it about time we started thinking about living tgether? He said that he was scared of living together so I agreed how about we try me staying more than 1 night a week t start off with as we are together all the time on holidays and it has never been a problem. He agreed but it never happened. After 6 years like this my family and his started to say he was using me as we did everything couples do except live together. They constantly questioned me about where we were going, if we had a future etc. They semed to blame me where it was his decision to not have us move in. I told him to please talk to them as I was under so much pressure from everybody. Last year I lost my job unfairly and was considering legal action. I was in such a mess and told him he could do better than me as I was a nothing and a nobody (I was very depressed) After 5 weeks I found another job but found out he had secretely asked another girl out. He said he was so sorry,it was becuase I said he could do better. We stayed together, I said we need to move this relationship up as engaged now for 4 years and still no improvement on living together. I decided to get out from the pressure of my parents and buy my own home. He agreed and helped me with the deposit saying we would have our own place (even though he already lives alone) so he could live with me. During this his pal, became ill with Cancer - he dealt with this by cutting himself off from me saying he was going through a terrible time and his job was possibly being cut too. I said should we have a break so he could deal with the situation, he said he couldnt handle any external pressure namely me as I was asking him when I coud stay the night (getting angry in the process as he didnt undertsand why I felt used for sex) After two months of not seeing him properly, I asked him what was going on and he said everytime he saw me he gets stressed out. I have stood by him through two fatal accidents, his workload, his ups and downs etc and was finally at breaking point. I found out that a younger girl (20 yrs younger) had asked him out and he was seeing her. she told me to get lost he was with her now!! She text me lots of vindictive messages and he did not stop it. He said he was at his lowest when he met her and wants us to get back together. the house I bought went through when he was with her. I am on my own now doing it up, his work found out about them and sacked him. He has now had to move away for work. Is this my fault and how do I get us back together. We dont speak much any more. Its been a year now, I have realised living together and marriage is not as important as beeing together.

Please help?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 7 years ago.

Hi Kelly,

You're selling yourself short. This guy has serious problems, and you've waited too long. It's been years and years and he can't live with you? He dates you when you're 15 years younger and then another woman 20 years younger? You want to know why? Because no woman his own age would put up with that kind of crap. He can't be with a peer and he can't let you get on equal footing with him. You're too much to deal with when his friend has cancer? Thats when we rely on our loved help us support our friends. No matter what goes on between you two, it always points to The Reason why you can't do the simplest thing on the planet: move in with your committed partner.

This guy has extremely serious problems and if you don't make the break and get back into your own life and find a partner, the time for that will pass and you'll be alone while he dates yet another younger woman. Run while you can.