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Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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Ask Jennifer. I think what she meant was that since we were

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Ask Jennifer. I think what she meant was that since we were supposed to spend alone time together Friday and then i was joking about going to a concert she was wondering how could I just go without her or break our plans bec if she did it I would be mad. She did get steamed and then said it was ok, but her initial reaction was not ok. So thats when she brought up I can go but if something comes up for her she will do the same. Is it possible that her marriage was so bad (which it was) that she is clinging onto me so tight that she does not want to let go? I thought about it and whether its a concert or going out or going away with friends she wants to be apart of it. Could it be that shes afraid the more times i go wo her i will find someone else? Maybe she thinks shes not good enough for me. I really think now shes afraid of losing me either to my friends or whomever. Is this just an insecurity issue or something deeper? It has to stem from somewhere.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 7 years ago.
Now I feel like I have a better sense of what happened. Keep in mind the two of you have had some pretty major talks lately about what you're doing in your relationship and what you want next.

I'm sure she knew you were joking when you proposed going to the concert with friends instead of keeping plans with her. On some level, however, it probably did give her a moment of insecurity. Is he joking about this b/c that's what he really wants?? Her immediate defense was to throw a joke right back that contains a mild threat (no matter how untrue her actual behavior might be in those circumstances).

I think she's going through a lot and you're right that her past relationships (particularly the most recent failed marriage) will influence what she thinks might happen to her in the future. She may be slightly guarded in that sense and have trouble believing she won't get hurt again.

Remember how you considered the fact that dating another woman might not be as complicated?? I'm sure the thought has crossed her mind as well. She wants this, but it's likely a little scary for her to trust that you'll continue to feel the way you do throughout the process of finalizing her divorce. This is particularly true if she thinks going out with single friends will provide you with opportunities to meet other women (even if you're not looking).

The issue with hanging out with friends is a little concerning, but obviously one that's important to her. I do think it's worth talking with her about what she's comfortable with and make suggestions for activities that perhaps aren't typical things for single guys to do when they go out to meet women. invite them over to play poker, go to a sports event together, etc. Weight how important it is to you to go out with your friends to bars / clubs to determine if that's something you want to work with her on to find a compromise you're both happy with.
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