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Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1492
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
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Okaaaay, here goes. I have been with my bf for well over a

Customer Question

Okaaaay, here goes.
I have been with my bf for well over a year. I really look for men's answers here, I am well aware men and women do not have the same mindset regarding sex. I have discovered through a gut feeling that my bf regularly (almost everyday when we don't see eachother) video chats on Livejasmine and Imlive (sex via webcam). Spends a lot of money on them.
Of course a flow of feelings hit me but regardless of that, can a man truly love and respect his girlfriend even if he does this stuff??? Can he actually lure himself into thinking it is harmless to a relationship and not feel the slightest guilt about it, nor intention to stop doing this stuff??
I really need help. Other than that, he is lovely. Really committed, never goes out flirting or even with buddies apart from a pizza here and then... I simply don't understand this behaviour... :( I need guidance here... Thanks...
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
When you discovered this what did he tell you? What kind of feelings do you have about his actions? Do you trust him?
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

The thing is that it was based on a gut feeling. Therefore I did not confront him. I discovered through a little brainracking what his email password XXXXX XXXXX unbelievable as it seems, I cracked it. There I discovered these website passwords with dates and times of logins and money spent.


Of course, I could never tell him that. It is unfair to have violated his privacy in such a manner, but I had to set to rest my gut feeling.


I found my way around bringing up the subject, saying a girlfriend of mine had discovered her bf was doing it so I could get a reaction from him. He just acted idignated saying "Wow, how can a guy be that stupid? Especially if he's in a relationship? Trust me, I wouldn't"


So... to answer the question about trust, no, I can't as he lies straight to my face about that. But does it really mean he is not trustworthy or simply he is ashamed of his addiction to this? After that, he canceled his subscriptions, but it lasted 1 month before he subscribed again... I know that only because I checked his account... He simply will never own up to it...


I really need your help.

Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
Why did you look in his email? The gut feeling must have been based on something he did.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Actually, it was based on facebook. Technology hardly helps couples. And a girl kept writing things like "Hi sweetheart, just a kiss, give me news" etc....


I asked him straight out. simply, calmly, but he got angry and dismissed me saying she is just an email buddy he'd never met. My gut feeling by then was screaming "there is sthing very wrong" That is why I checked. He dismissed my gut feeling, saying I was totally wrong. I tried to believe so. But the feeling kept eating at me stronger and stronger. It was either I found answers by myself or I couldn't trust MYSELF and my intuition anymore....

Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
We don't need to look for some scientific/psychological reason for his behavior. The plain truth is that the man is trying and will try to get away with things that are detrimental to your relationship. He is behaving in a manner that does not warrant trust. This simply means he is not trustworthy. The big question is if he will lie straight to your face about this then what else will he lie to you about. If he felt guilty then he would have told you these things from the beginning. I will say that I wish you the best in this relationship because you are going to need all the help you can get to make it work. Why? Because from the get-go this relationship was built on lies and now trust is a huge roadblock to making this relationship thrive. I would tell you what you need to do but my guess is that your intuition is already telling you what needs to happen. It hasn't steered you wrong so far.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Well... I do know it is bad as far as trust goes. To know he is lying to my face about this is tough. Yet if I were to do sthing I am ashamed of, I would most probably lie as well to be honest. Most of us would. My question really lies in: Why do men feel the urge to use these websites even if in a relationship. That is what I need to understand.

To face it, nobody is perfect. We all lie at some stage, we all have skeletons in our cupboards. And we won't really talk about them. I want to know why men use these kind of websites? Can an addict to those websites truly feel in love and commited, or is it a sign he is not?

He has always been quite a loner, spending most of his time in front of his computer for years before we met. A single child, he only had one serious relationship 8 years before he met me. Could it be an addiction?

Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
There can be a hundred reasons why men look at porn. To escape into fantasy, to avoid problems at home, simply for pleasure, something wrong in their relationship, etc... When he is on these websites it a sign he is not committed to you. I am not going to say it is an addiction what he is doing. It is basically him getting away with something behind your back. Until it is confronted then you will never know if he truly loves you or if it is something he cannot control.

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