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Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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Like another expert view. Im in a 3 yr relationship. Hes

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I'm in a 3 yr relationship. He's divorced from a very manipulative and controlling woman (their children, 21 & 18). When we met he was rooming with relatives. 14 months into the relationship he got his own place. I helped organizing/decorating. Approx. 4 mos. after, his behavior towards me was subtly different. I tried discussing it, he replied nothing was wrong. Soon after, I had health issues. Sex life downhill as a result. He's a very loyal and caring individual and always there when needed. Last year health got worse, lost my job, went into depression, moved in with him because couldn't afford my home any more. Now I am employed, health problems and depression under control. Asked again about his feelings. Says still loves me but not in the same way, it began to change when I had first noticed. He doesn't know what caused his feelings to change, wants to see if he can determine the why. I love him and want a future with him. He's not as loving. What to do?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 7 years ago.
Hello and thanks for using!

First of all, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It sounds like you had arough year with your physical and emotional health. I'm glad those things are under control now.

As for determining why his feelings have changed and whether he can get back to the way he used to feel, that's something he'll need to figure out. You can help by suggesting the two of you attend couples counseling together. Counseling is a safe place to share your feelings and the guidance of a counselor may help you both to determine what you want in your future and how to get there.

In the meantime, try devoting some attention to increasing the romance in your relationships. This may be through quiet dinners at home, date nights, or even planning a trip together. You could also try a new activity together to give you something new to talk about and an experience to see each other in a new light.

It's normal for relationships to evolve. Be honest with him by telling him what you want and asking him what he needs from you. Tell him what you need as well.
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.

IWe have talked about it and he's shared. He has expressed the things that he does not like about me. I have listened and I'm working on being more sensitive to them. I do try to keep things romantic and I am affectionate.

While I was going through a bad period, he also had set backs at work, financially, and decided to start on his MBA. He works full time and part time on the weekends. A lot of stress and pressure for both of us. We are different in many respects, however I believe that the differences are not "deal breakers" as they are compromisible and we both find more positive about each other than negative. We have talked about it.

I suggested the possibility of counseling so he could get to the bottom of what triggered his change of feelings towards me. He was not receptive. He says he's been hoping he can figure it out and then make a decision to continue or breakup. I am trapped at the moment because I can't afford to move out. I asked is he felt or thought he might want to keep trying or if he believed our relationship had run its course and we should move on ... I could not get a straight answer. Seems to me he's willing to let me go if I choose, although he says it will hurt. He seems indicisive. Can I do anything to help him figure it out?

Expert:  Jennifer replied 7 years ago.

Unfortunately it sounds this is something he needs to figure out on his won. Continue to show your support by offering to help him figure it out (through counseling if he ever changes his mind -- by himself or together) and continue to have those honest conversations with one another. Don't make this the focus every day, though -- Have fun with him and remind him why he enjoys being with you. Too much serious talk can be draining.

With that said, if things don't change and he is still undecided it may be time to move on. You deserves someone who knows what he wants (YOU!) and doesn't waver on his feelings for you.

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