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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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I am very attracted to a girl I have only met two or three

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I am very attracted to a girl I have only met two or three times. I met her at the hospital, she works in a department I have to visit about once every three months. I feel there is a lot of chemistry between us, and we have engaging conversations with plenty of eye contact.

My problem is I am extremely introverted, even more so following a severe accident that has left me in a wheelchair. To give you an example of how introverted I am -- I have never chatted a girl up in a bar, in a club, or anywhere else for that matter. I have been in long-term relationships but never had the emotional intimacy.

She is South American and quite flirtatious, so holding a conversation is very easy, but I'm finding it hard to gauge if she is genuinely attracted to me, or simply enjoying the attention.

She has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, and I've been thinking about her a lot, and want to call her, but I would have to call her at work.

My question is, if I do call her what should I say?
Hello Andy,

Based on what you have written you could ask her would she like to go out for a drink (-drink meaning any type of beverage such as coffee, etc.). I wouldn't ask her to go out for an actual bite to eat just yet because you both may be more comfortable with just a drink initially. After the two of you finish the drink, if it went well, then you may both decide to go get a bite to eat. Also, initially asking her out for a drink will usually cause her to feel less pressure than if you ask her out on an official dinner date. If you choose to call her from your job, be sure that you follow whatever protocols are in place at your job so that you do not have any headaches. For example: some jobs only allow for non work related questions to occur on the employee's lunch hour and so forth. Also, prior to calliing to ask her out, I think it would be best to practice how you would ask her out by doing this exercise: Do this in private in your home when you will be undisturbed. It may sound silly but it works for many of my clients who are introverted. When you are alone and able to practice, get in front of a mirror (-a full length mirror or a hand held one if you don't have a full length mirror). I want you to begin to breathe deeply as you simply think about asking her out (your eyes can be open or closed initially). I want you to visualize the entire scenario of asking her out in your mind while you breathe deeply. Next, after you have played out the scenario in your mind, then continue to breathe deeply while looking at yourself in the mirror and pretend that you are now asking her out. Pay attention to any changes which occur in your body such as getting nervous etc. and continue to breathe deeply and go through the process of verbally out loud pretending to ask her out. Do this for at least several times before you actually ask her out. Each time that you do this exercise it is important to fully concentrate and focus on what you are doing. What usually happens from this exercise is that you condition and prepare your mind and body for the actual time when you will ask her out. As a result of this preconditioning, when you actually ask her out, it will usually go smoother and easier because you have previously conditioned your mind and body to go through this scenario.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I should have mentioned that I am housebound, I only really go out when I need to visit the hospital. So I can't really employ the strategy you suggest, my only option would be to ask her to visit me (which seems a bit strange). I don't need to worry about work issues, as I have my own company and work from home. I really liked your advice about rehearsing, I think I would be very effective.
Hello Andy,
Thank you for your response. Also, keep in mind that since you are housebound it would not seem strange asking her to visit you once you share that with her. So as far as rehearsing goes, include how you will share with her that you are housebound, then once you ask her out it will not be strange if you ask her to come by. Also, another option could be: since you only see her at the hospital, is it possible to somehow see her on her break on a day when you are scheduled to go to the hospital? If she agrees then you would have to schedule your hospital visit time around when she would have a break.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I would feel really awkward explaining that I was housebound, because if I was her I would be thinking "why is he telling me this?". I guess one of my problems is that I spend too much time thinking about what other people are thinking :-) I don't know how to get over this.
Hello Andy,
That's fine that you would feel awkward and it's understandable because it is a personal fact that you would be sharing with her so maybe the other option I mentioned could work. If she agrees to the meeting at the hospital and things go well then you could progress from there. Also, a book I recommended to my clients to help them make progress in dealing with being introverted, which they found helpful, can be found by clicking here:
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Sorry about all the follow-up questions but... The hospital is the last place in the world I would want to spend time with her, I had an extremely bad experience there (so I hate the atmosphere), and there is absolutely no privacy anywhere in the building. I am well known by the staff there, and she would be even better known, so I would feel excruciatingly uncomfortable. People often say that "honesty is the best policy", so what if I said "there's something I want to tell you, and then I would like to ask you a question". I would feel more comfortable doing that, is that a sensible compromise?
Hello Andy,
I don't mind the follow up questions at all. You are right, honesty is the best policy. Telling her "there's something I want to tell you, and then I would like to ask you a question" is absolutely fine because you are comfortable with that. What is most important is that you deal with asking her out in the way that feels most comfortable and easiest to you.
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