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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1768
Experience:  PHD LPC
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My husband is from another country. He met and married me

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My husband is from another country. He met and married me while living here in the US. At that time he expressed his desire to move back to his country. The thing was, I didn't want to. We met and married within 2 months. We have been married nearly 2 years. As you can imagine it's been a whirlwind, and not always good. We keep building here. He has built a buisness, we bought a house, and I'm getting my M.Ed. The problem is that while all of that is good, I am and always have been a loner. He doesn't have any friends here, I'm the only person he has. I try to get him to try things, but he doesn't have any interests. He misses his family terribly and wants to move home. He had a breakdown today and cried. He told me how lonely he is, and I'm always alone doing my thing. He told me he doesn't think children will be enough for him to feel a family here, and that one day he will go no matter what. So how can I make him happy? How can I make our relationship stronger?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 7 years ago.
A whirlwind for sure. If you are a loner and he doesn't like to try things or is interested in many things then you are in for a rough time but I think you know that. You cannot make him happy, that is something only he can do. What would be most beneficial for both of you is marriage counseling. In counseling you will be able to work on how and what you can do as a couple to be supportive of each other and have the relationship grow. You are a loner and you tend to do things alone, you have to learn how to include him in your life and he is not interested in doing things and he will have to start making the effort to try. What he is basically saying is that the marriage isn't working and if you have any shot of it succeeding you need to be supportive of each other, work with each other and want a marriage. He misses his family and that is a huge pull however, you are his family now and he isn't feeling it. Marriage counseling is your best bet. Please click accept and leave feedback.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I'm scared. He will not do counseling. He thinks nothing is wrong is with him. He said he sacrificed for me, and I have to do the same. He said he would go back when he is ready, with or without me or our children. I am ready to start a family here and I feel like we will always be second class citizens in comparison to his family.
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 7 years ago.
If he is not willing to compromise and try to change and immerse himself here in his business and life why did he get married? What did he sacrifice? He came here of his own will didn't he? He married you because he loves you? When he asks you to sacrifice for him what does that mean? Move with him back to his country? What is it he wants, you or his family and country. If it's his family of origin and his country I'm afraid that you are right about being second to them, actually if you have children you will move to the end of the line in his family. Be very careful how you move forward. I would suggest that if he doesn't go with you to counseling, you go alone. This may not be the life you thought you would have with him yet it seems to be becoming one that may have many problems if you don't defer to his wishes (and you should never do that, you'll regret it). You may have made a mistake marrying this man since his desire for his country is more than his love for you. That is becoming apparent isn't it. As difficult as it may be for you do not get pulled in because you "love" him, that will not sustain you in the future. You will resent him forever if you give in to his wish and move with him. You do not have to sacrifice for him, you are a woman with free will and although you are ready for children this is not the time and he may not be the man to have them with. I speak with caution since I have worked with couples who marry in haste and within a couple of years, especially when they are from different cultures or countries, see the fractures. I believe you had fractures early on and you both chose to ignore them until now. I am sorry if I sound negative and harsh but I don't want you to find yourself in a situation you can't change in a few years. I would settle this now and not wait until it's too late and there are children involved. It will be a nightmare for you then.
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I spoke to my husband this morning regarding my concerns. I told him we're wasting our time together if he would just leave and our children for his country. He told me was very depressed yesterday because he's been lonely this month by himself (I've been grieving my grandfather and aunt, and had a staph infection, along with major problems in our new home with repairs). I shut him out and told him I'm tired, I'm sick and went upstairs to be by myself. Because of his depression he said some things he didn't mean. He wants to be close to his family when he knows he can support us there and he wants his children to be with his parents. I know he's super close to his family and I can understand why he misses them and why he wants them to be a part of our future childrens' lives. Honestly, I am not as close to my family (I love them but they drive me crazy), I am not tied to my job other than the fact that it brings income and insurance (which is free there), and I can make new friends. Do I think he sacrificed to be here with me? Yes, I do, because he has a close family. Do I think he was in an awful mood yesterday and said some things he didn't mean, yes I do. Do we have a rocky road ahead of us? Probably. He's not open counseling, what else can I do to smooth things over in the future?
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 7 years ago.
Hi, if he isn't open to counseling you are going to need excellent communication skills to get you over the rough spots. When he is feeling shut out he has to let you know, not hold it in and you have to learn to not handle everything on your own, let him in. That is about the best you can do without going to therapy.
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