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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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my husband seems really distant lately..I have caught him looking

Resolved Question:

my husband seems really distant lately..I have caught him looking at porn and masturbating...which does not bother me when it does not effect our sex life but it is....I feel alone and left out that he has put me out of this part of our marriage...and the fact that he is not really paying any attentention to me right now is not helping...we have never had a fight..we have always been able to talk about things without fighting but I do not know what to say or the right way to say that this is hurting me...My opinion: porn is ok to look at as long as it is not hidden from the spouse and as long as it is not an alterenative to making love with your spouse.Also these two things together are making me very insecure. I have gone thru a divorce and have two children to think of how can I bring up the fact that this is a problem with the lack of attention and this together I can not tell if we have a problem or if he just needs some time alone to be a guy
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello Rising,
Due to this being a very sensitive topic for your husband I recommend scheduling a time with your husband when the two of you can speak to one another in a calm, peaceful, and non-distracting environment. Perhaps you could choose a place to talk that makes you both feel peaceful and mellow. During this uninterrupted time, calmly explain to your husband your concerns about your sex life. Also, share with him how you feel hurt and that he hasn't really been paying attention to you. Explain to him that in order for you to get past these concerns he must be willing to talk about it so that you both can decide how to move past this because you love him very much. As you share with him do so in a non-judgmental and calm manner in order for your husband to feel comfortable and able to honestly reply to your concerns. Listen to his responses and then respond to him from your heart in a respectful and loving manner as you continue the dialog. Communication and honesty are vital for relationships to continue in a healthy and positive manner. As a result, both of you need to feel comfortable and safe in sharing with one another and both of you need to be willing to discuss and work on the concerns in your marriage. Also, a book I recommended to my clients dealing with the same situation, which they found helpful, can be found by clicking here:
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
he seems very embarased about this..(which i can understand) but he acknowledges that this happened but will not talk about this....I think the fact that I brought it up is why he is being so distant...How can I get him to talk about it....he won't talk about things that make me cry and I am a very (usually) over emoitional person from alot of truma that I have had in my do I get him past my tears and his (I am assuming) embaressment so that we can talk about this?
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello Rising,
Based on what you have written, I think the best thing is for you to mentally and physically prepare yourself to try and talk about the issue without tears. This exercise works for some of my clients who struggle with crying and talking to their husband's about porn: When you are alone and will be alone for at least 15 minutes, go in front of a mirror. Look at yourself in the mirror and began to process and verbally say out loud the conversation that you will have with your husband. As you feel tears coming and your heart beats faster because your starting to get upset, stop and breathe deeply until you are calm again. Repeat these steps until you can get through having the conversation out loud in front of the mirror while remaining calm. Doing this exercise repeatedly is how you can mentally and physically prepare yourself to have this conversation with your husband. Once you have successfully completed the exercise then you can approach your husband in the manner I described in the previous post and then hopefully your husband will be willing to talk because you are calm and relaxed.
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