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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  n/a
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Hello, My name is AnnMarie. I am 46, have four children (ages

Resolved Question:

My name isXXXXX am 46, have four children (ages 23, 21, 16 & 11) I will be married 25 years in June. In 2006 my husband and I seperated. However, in Feb. of '08 we decided to reconcile. I have never been attracted to my husband. I love a lot of things that he stands for. I respect him and could not ask a better father for my children. However, deep down inside I feel I am not in love with him. He of course feels completely different. He loves me and feels very passionate about us. I think of all the scenarios and 'what ifs' but I don't know where to start with regards XXXXX XXXXX that connection. You can create an intimate atmosphere but still not feel that connection. I have always felt this way. My feelings for him have not changed. We can be the best friends, and compatiable parents but it does not go deeper than that. It was my decision to seperate in '06. I felt I could not love him the way he deserved. I guess if I stay how do I love him instead of trying to love him
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello Jaguest,
Sometimes attraction will come in relationships at a later time, however, in your situation this obviously isn't the case since you have been together for 25 years and you have never felt attracted to him. As you know you can't force yourself to feel attracted to him, but you could try to build your relationship in this area by trying to build your intimacy and doing intimacy exercises to see if that helps. Also, just as a side note, this is not a situation that you are the only one struggling with. Many people struggle with being with a person because the person meets his/her needs on many levels except in feeling an attraction to the person. Also, a book that my clients have given me positive feedback on in dealing with the same situation can be found by clicking here:
It sounds like you still want to try to love him in spite of not feeling attracted to him, so you could try doing intimacy exercises with him (-which the book gives details on), however, if after you do the exercises and nothing changes then you have to decide if you want to continue in a relationship where this particular need is not being met or do you want to move on.
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