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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  n/a
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My boyfriend and I had been dating for 1 year and 3 months

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My boyfriend and I had been dating for 1 year and 3 months and then all of a sudden he asked if he could have more alone time. This would've been fine with me but he had been acting somewhat distant towards me for about a week so I confronted him about it. He said that he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't know why. He said I did nothing wrong and he still enjoys spending time with me and is still attracted to me. He swears it's not a commitment issue. We were broken up for 2 weeks but he said he missed me so much that we agreed to try and work it out. It's been a little over a month now that we've been back together and he said nothing has changed but things seem exactly like they did when we were in love. I'm still very much in love with him. He's still affectionate and we still have a lot of sex. Should I continue dating him when we still have so much fun and get along so well and wait and see if things change? Or should I choose to end things when I still love him? Thanks
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello Clementine,
Based upon what you have written, I suggest going to in person counseling sessions as a couple to a third party (-counselor, religious clergy, etc.) who you both agree to see. I suggest this because he is taking you on a huge emotional roller coaster ride by telling you all that he did and then breaking up with you and then coming back to you and but telling you that nothing has changed. You deserve better than to be going up and down on a roller coaster ride especially since you are in love with him. You deserve stability in your relationship so that you don't have to wonder is he going to suddenly break up with me again? A third party could help both of you to understand what is really going on inside of his head and why he goes from one extreme to the other which unquestionably causes you pain and hurt. If you continue to stay in this relationship then please seek out couple's counseling or without doubt based on his track record it will only be a matter of time before he breaks your heart again (-as he did initially by just breaking up with you out of the blue). If he really does care about you he will be willing to go to counseling since you both agreed that you want this relationship to work.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I already know that my boyfriend will not agree to go to counseling. He's very stubborn so if I tell him that it's either this or we break up it would most likely end up in us breaking up, which I don't want to do.
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello Clementine,
I understand what you are saying, but you have to realize that there is a good chance that he will hurt you again without warning and out of the blue if he does not at least discuss what is going on with him (-discuss it with you). Since you are sure that he will not go to counseling then all you can do is to try and talk to him about these issues because you cannot force him to do anything. I I would like for you to try and talk to him once again but in this manner: I recommend scheduling a time with your boyfriend when the two of you can speak to one another in a calm, peaceful, and non-distracting environment. Perhaps you could choose a place to go and talk which makes both of you feel peaceful and mellow. During this uninterrupted time, calmly explain to your partner your concerns about your relationship especially breaking up, getting together again, and then him telling you that nothing has changed. Listen to his responses and then respond to him from your heart in a respectful and loving manner as you continue the dialog. Communication and honesty are vital for relationships to continue in a healthy and positive manner. As a result, both of you need to feel comfortable and safe in sharing with one another and both of you need to be willing to discuss and work on these issues. Again, clearly you have been reaching out to him, but if he is not willing to work with you, then you cannot force his hand. It takes two to make a relationship work. My hope is that when you approach him to talk in this manner, that he will open up to you and that both of you can decide together how to move past the current issues in your relationship. Also, a book that my clients have given me positive feedback on in dealing with the similar situations in their relationships can be found by clicking here:
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Thank you for your responses and trust me if I thought there would be SOME chance I could get him to counseling, I would be there tomorrow. I have tried talking to him but his response is always "nothing has changed and I don't know why this happened". The most frustrating part of this whole thing is that he "doesn't know" why he doesn't love me anymore. We've tried talking it out but it's always "I don't know" and then what do I say to that? We agreed to not spend as much time together anymore as we were before but we do still see each other frequently and I do still stay at his place sometimes. We laugh, we got along so well, we have sex, he still cuddles me and kisses me. I just don't know what to do because talking seems to get us nowhere and I always end up crying and physically feeling sick at the thought of losing him again
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello Clementine,
I wish I had better news for you, but unfortunately the reality is that if you continue in this relationship as it currently is, you will continue to get hurt because their is nothing you can do or say to make him share with you or to treat you with the respect that you deserve. Why settle for being hurt and feeling physically sick because the person you are in love with is constantly taking you on a roller coaster ride meanwhile you are 100% there for him and you are stable? If you don't want to continue down this current path which will continue to bring you hurt and feeling physically sick, then you must leave him and move on and set yourself free. I understand that you don't want to lose him again, but you don't really have him now and you are only hurting yourself emotionally and physically feeling sick. Get a positive support system in place for yourself, (-friends, loved ones, etc.) and focus on yourself now because you have done all that you could do in this relationship. Your choices are to stay and continue to hurt or to set yourself free by leaving him. You deserve to be free and to be in a relationship with someone who gives 100% just as you do. Of course it will hurt to leave him, but unfortunately you are hurting now and feeling physically sick which is not healthy. If you leave him you will hurt but it will be a healthy hurt that will enable you to begin to heal.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I understand what you're saying, if things don't improve or if he does not figure out why he feels this way, I should end things. Do you have any thoughts or suspicions as to why all of a sudden he fell out of love with me after 1 year ad 3 months? Or how long I should wait for him to figure things out?
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello Clementine,
I don't know why he states that he fell out of love all of a sudden, I would really need to have actually known him to guess better. However, in general when people make statements like this, it sometimes stems from being afraid and it sometimes stems just from selfishly wanting to have their cake and eat it too without caring about how it affects the other person in the relationship. Honestly, based on all that we have written, especially you feeling physically sick, I would explain to him why you are ending the relationship now. But if you insist on giving him more time........please no longer than another week (-remember you are the one hurting and feeling physically sick).
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