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Ive been married for 12 years and recently found numerous

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I've been married for 12...
I've been married for 12 years and recently found numerous e-mails that my husband initiated with an old girlfriend who lives out of state. Apparently, he has feelings for her and wanted to start a life with her. We separated for a few weeks so I could think and he wanted to work it out. We started seeing a counselor and he is also beginning to see an addictions counselor (alcohol and depression). His sister is friends with the old girlfriend and had been feeding her information. Our counselor told him that no one in his family should have contact with her, but he seems to have forgotten that she requested him to speak with them about it or he's avoiding the confrontation. His sister is now blatantly abusive towards me on the phone, etc., leaving horrific messages. Last week when we were visiting his family in Michigan, he disappeared from our hotel for 4-1/2 hours (he claims he ran into an old friend named Ronnie), but never called, didn't return my phone calls, etc., so I left
Submitted: 7 years ago.Category: Relationship
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2/3/2010
Counselor: Anna, Social Worker replied 7 years ago
Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,945
Experience: 29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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Hi ds,

It sounds like you've got good boundaries, and you're going to need them. Of course he's lying about why he couldn't contact you during the 4.5 hours. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. When you know you're on the hot seat, you work hard to make sure your actions are transparent - for as long as you want to be transparent. He hid out and did something he doesn't want you to know about. If it was important for him to tell his family not to contact the GF, he would have. He didn't. We all know this.

At this point, you have to look at the facts and what is available to you. Do you have information on alcoholism? Now is the time to start reading about that. It's also good to know that addicts will switch addictions when one is getting them into too much trouble - he may have been dabbling in the lust and intrigue component of sexual addiction.

My recommendations:
1. Pat yourself on the back for leaving the hotel room. Good move on your part...for YOU.
2. Learn about addictions and depression - they're two separate issues that interact with one another, but neither one causes the other. He's not alcoholic because he's depressed.
3. Keep seeing the counselor for yourself. It'll help you to set boundaries and not be manipulated.
4. Trust your gut. Above all else, trust your gut.
5. I don't think you're a candidate for this lie, but just in case...an email affair is an affair. It counts.

If you would, please fill out the feedback form after accepting. I appreciate this opportunity to help you out today. If I can be of further service to you, just put "for Anna" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it.

Thanks!

Anna

Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,945
Experience: 29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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Customer reply replied 7 years ago

Anna,

 

Addl info. After leaving the hotel, his Dad drove him back to Ohio. I think the Dad was used to soften me up. The sister felt it wise to share sensitive, confidential information that my husband relayed to his family with the old gf. Now, the sister called here twice last night using profanity towards me and my husband thought she had been drinking. It seems as if, no matter what the sister is like, my husband should be able to tell her that he loves her, but back off and let us work thru it. I feel a lack of support and not understood. Thoughts on handling the sister?

Counselor: Anna, Social Worker replied 7 years ago



Hi ds,

You are being understood, but not supported by your husband. Anyone with any sense can get this situation and what is going on, but acting like you don't is a way to buy time and manipulate. Of course he can tell her to stop interfering......the moment he wants to do that, he will.

You can't change the sister, but you don't have to stay on the phone when someone is abusive either. Don't pick up her calls. She's trying hard to inject herself into this drama, and she can only accomplish it if your husband lets her. I wouldn't expect them to know all this, or admit to it, but it doesn't make it any less true. They may be acting the way they always have.

Long story short: I wouldn't handle her, I'd banish her until you want to deal with her again. Confront your husband if he doesn't support you in this boundary. Alcoholic family systems are a strong force. You would do well to google it and see how they work.

My best to you.

Anna
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Customer reply replied 7 years ago

Anna,

 

A new twist. The gf left a v-mail this week and I noticed it. I returned the call and left her a v-mail telling her to knock it off as my husband said he told her good luck and have a nice life. Then, she sent me an e-mail saying I am the woman for him because I have such a capacity for forgiveness, etc. She then said she needs closure from my husband, not me. He said he did that! Is she just trying to keep the ball rolling and should we ignore? My husband says we should.

Counselor: Anna, Social Worker replied 7 years ago
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