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My husband and I have 6 kids, our marriage is in serious trouble,

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we've agreed to fight for...
My husband and I have 6 kids, our marriage is in serious trouble, we've agreed to fight for it and find a way to make it work. We have already had many times of seperation. I am always the one that takes care of the kids during these. He is coming in the evenings to see his children, then tells me he needs rest so he can't sleep here that he will stay with the kids a night he doesn't have to get up for work the next day. Then tells me that he now needs time out with his friends, that he works everyday with, leaving me with the kids to care for myself all evening too. Four of our children are still very young (under 5) shouldn't going out with friends be put on hold till there isn't so much on our plates as is, and shouldn't taking the time to reconnect and fix our marriage come before going out with his friends? How do I explain this to him without causing another fight? i really feel the marriage should be the priority right now.
Submitted: 7 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 26 minutes by:
2/2/2010
Counselor: Angela, Counselor replied 7 years ago
Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience: n/a
Verified
Hello MamaPebbles,
Since you have both agreed to fight for your marriage it should indeed be the priority now. It sounds like you both have been doing a lot of sharing with each other, but I think at this time that you would both benefit from seeing a third party in person (-counselor, therapist, pastor, etc.) who you both agree to meet with. A third party person would help you both understand each other's comments and feelings as well as help you work through your issues. A third party would also keep you on the same page with one another during your sessions. In reference to your other question about explaining to him your feelings about your marriage needing to be a priority without causing a fight, I recommend approaching this in this manner: Schedule a time with your husband when the two of you can speak to one another in a calm, peaceful, and non-distracting environment. Perhaps you could get a baby sitter or a trusted friend to come over for a few hours so that the two of you could leave the house and get away to talk. Choose a place to talk which makes you both feel peaceful and mellow. During this uninterrupted time begin the conversation by telling your husband how much you love him and that you are glad that you are both fighting for your marriage. Continue the dialog and calmly explain to your husband your concerns about him leaving you with the kids during your times of separation, the concern about spending time with his friends over you, and etc. As you explain these things to him be sure to do it in a calm and patient manner and not in a blaming or upset manner. The goal is to create a relaxing environment so that both of you can honestly and comfortably share with one another. As the two of you share, also discuss how both of you can address the concerns that each of you have brought up. Discuss the changes that you can both agree to make. In order for both of you to move past the issues and concerns, both of you must be willing to talk about them and decide how to move forward. Communication and honesty are vital for relationships to continue in a healthy and positive manner. As a result, both of you need to feel comfortable and safe in sharing with one another and both of you need to be willing to discuss and work on your concerns. Additionally, when you have your special night out, if that goes well, you can discuss doing a special night out together on a regular basis as another way for you to spend quality time together. Also, a book that my clients have given me positive feedback on in dealing with the same situation can be found by clicking here:
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Customer reply replied 7 years ago
Thank you what you said makes sense but I'm still confused. See I am a stay at home mom, he works 40+ hours a week plus hour each way drive time. so i am with the kids ALL the time. When he talks about going out with his friends my blood pressure goes up. We discussed it before we got married that the single life of going out with our buddies was pretty much done until our kids were raised and less dependent on us for their care. He said that was what he wanted he didn't need to go out with his buddies, he needed a family. I believe that married couples should go out but only as a couple with other married couples. When you mix in singles temptation sneaks in and things end up happening that are regretted later. Shouldn't a parent realize that going out with the guys is a single persons thing to do not something a married person should be doing? I just feel taken for granted that I will be here to care for kids I can't go out with my friends because he says he's not comfortable taking care of all the kids himself. then i have to answer the 20 questions of who i talked to what i did who all was there why i talked to them why if i wanted to be a stay at home mom do i need to go out, that im neglecting my children.
Counselor: Angela, Counselor replied 7 years ago
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