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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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I have been married to my husband for a year. when i was pregnant

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I have been married to my husband for a year. when i was pregnant with our baby he wouldnt make love to me. i was always willing,but he was never in the mood. this made me think mabye he is watching porn as everyday he would come home from work and shut the door to his study, then anything up to an hour later would go and have a shower. so one day i went in there whilst he was showering and discovered he was downloading porn. and to make matters worse he had left a wet tissue on the desk, which i smelt and it was sperm. so he was defo masterbating.
so then everything fell in place, why he is distance, why hes never in the mood, and why he rearley cuddles me. he is doing this when im in the next room with our daughter.
my question is how do i confront him without him knowing i cheaked up on him. he does it every single day at the same time. what should i do??
please help, as i can feel my self esteem slipping fast.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello Twix,
Due to this being a very sensitive topic for your husband I recommend scheduling a time with your husband when the two of you can speak to one another in a calm, peaceful, and non-distracting environment. Perhaps you could choose a place to talk that you know makes you both feel peaceful and mellow. During this uninterrupted time, calmly explain to your husband your concerns about your sex life. Also, you could then share with him that since he is not being intimate with you that he maybe relieving himself in other ways such as with porn. Explain to him that in order for you to get past these concerns he must be willing to talk about it so that you both can decide how to move past this because you love him very much. As you share with him do so in a non-judgmental and calm manner in order for your husband to feel comfortable and able to honestly reply to your concerns. Listen to his responses and then respond to him from your heart in a respectful and loving manner as you continue the dialog. Communication and honesty are vital for relationships to continue in a healthy and positive manner. As a result, both of you need to feel comfortable and safe in sharing with one another and both of you need to be willing to discuss and work on your concerns. Also, a book that many of my clients have given me positive feedback on in dealing with the same situation can be found by clicking here:
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Thank you for the advice. only i have one concern. what if he still hides the fact he is using porn. what if he denies it, evern though i know he is.
what would i do then? do i say i know he is lieing or do i just say i know he is usung it?
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello Twixfix,
If he still hides the fact that he is using porn or if he denies it, then I would recommend asking him if he would be willing to go to counseling because if he denies it or continues to hide it, his actions indicate a problem in your marriage that will only get worse due to his unwillingness to talk about it. If you tell him that you know he is lying if he denies using porn or even if you just say that you know he is using porn this will only create more problems because he will more than likely respond to it in an even more defensive manner. Man men are usually very sensitive when it comes to discussing porn with their significant others which is why I would recommend counseling if your conversation does not go well. If your conversation does not go well and you do suggest the counseling option, be careful to do it in a non blaming manner but from a place of love and patience. For example: you wouldn't want to say "because you are lying about porn we need to go to counseling" (-although this maybe true). This would only make him more defensive and resistant. However, you could say: "Because I love you very much and I have some concerns that I would like for us to discuss in counseling, would you consider going"? (-the goal would be getting him into counseling and then you could bring up your issues).
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