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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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My husband ( married 9 yrs) had a very intense argument 4days

Customer Question

My husband ( married 9 yrs) had a very intense argument 4days ago. The argument was over morals/politics regarding abortion rights of women. Needless to say, I'm a women and think it is a womens right. However, do not think it is a right past a certain amount of time ( like late term). My husband said I flip flop my answer and can;t make an educated decision!? Whatever- Basically it comes down to the discussion became an argument. He is staunch republican, myself as well in most cases. He doesn't have the same opinion, which in essence is fine. He is entitled to his own opinion. My situation is this, when arguments happen between us I usually back off for the sake of keeping things from turning into an argument to begin with. I never name call or stick him in a corner so to speak. I do feel he trys to nail me to the wall with proving me wrong or even a little name calling at times. This time though I nailed him back for the first time. He said I could not articulate! So, I stated that if I could not articulate in a conversation then why did he marry me! I said he was acting like an airhead. He's manipulated this into "I caused this argument" because I named called- what!!! Look, I really feel this is silly and childish. What should have been a simple discussion turned into an argument, which happens. I'm tired of him really honestly thinking he is NEVER WRONG, Never meaning- I always have to say sorry. In fact, we've been married 91/2 yrs. I have never heard him tell me he's sorry about anything! Stuborn maybe? I don;t know sometimes, I just think that his behavior seems dominating so he can have that" I'm always right attitude". We normally get along fine. I just think I'm the type who doesn't like to argue or fight because I know what it's going to turn into. He also mentioned this to me., But his statement was more of " you don't know how to argue because you can't articulate or I back myself into a corner". Okay, this hurt, badly! Yes, I started to cry in front of him. He has only seen me cry three times in 13 yrs. He made fun of this like some kind of mean boy from school! He is really like talking to a brick wall! So now, I'm distant- I feel numb, I don;t want to be around him or talk to him- I'm not sure how to really talk to him because he manipulates it back around on me, which he will do in this case, too. By the way, I'm 33 and he is 44. I wonder if our age difference makes him feel he is always right~ I know in my mind I haven't done anything, but it's just making him see that really no one is ever right! Another opinion would be nice-I guess I thought he saw me differently, guess I was wrong, so starting to question my marriage all together! This is very serious for me, as we have two small children 8 and 5. In the big scheme of things is it the worst thing, probably not. But to me, right now, this is a big deal. I've held so many times all this anger ( almost resentment) inside because I'm on pins and needles when we fight. I just let it go....we then never re-discuss our issue. I know that's not good either. thoughts?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello Ms Fields,
Please know that you are not alone in dealing with this situation; the majority of my couples who I counsel deal with the same issue of one partner not apologizing to the other partner because he/she feels that everything is the other partner's fault. The best way for this to change is to start with positive communication when you are both calm and not on your guard. I would like for you to approach your husband in this manner (-when you are ready to): I recommend scheduling a time with your husband when the two of you can speak to one another in a calm, peaceful, and non-distracting environment. Perhaps you could choose a place to talk that you know makes you both feel peaceful and mellow. During this uninterrupted time, calmly explain to your husband your concerns about him feeling that he is always right and also about the name calling and other comments that hurt you (-such as you can't articulate). Explain to him that in order for you to get past these concerns he must be willing to talk about it so that you both can move past this. As you share with him do so in a non-judgmental and calm manner in order for your husband to feel comfortable and able to honestly reply to your concerns. Listen to his responses and then respond to him from your heart in a respectful and loving manner as you continue the dialog. Communication and honesty are vital for relationships to continue in a healthy and positive manner. As a result, both of you need to feel comfortable and safe in sharing with one another and both of you need to be willing to discuss and work on your concerns. Also, a book that many of my clients have given me positive feedback on in dealing with the same situation can be found by clicking here: