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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  n/a
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I just discovered that my wife of 40 years had an affain when

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I just discovered that my wife of 40 years had an affain when we were young...I am devistated...her attitude is that it was a long time ago and I should just get over it...what do you think
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello Jwm,
It does not matter how long ago the affair was in terms of it hurting you and devastating you, these are normal feelings that you can't get over unless your wife is willing to talk about it with you so that you can move past it. It seems as if your wife does not realize this and somehow thinks that the long time ago that it occurred automatically should erase the devastation that you feel which is simply foolish and not correct. So I would recommend trying to talk to her once again but in this manner: I recommend scheduling a time with your wife when the two of you can speak to one another in person in a calm, peaceful, and non-distracting environment. Perhaps you could choose a place to talk that you know makes her feel peaceful and mellow. During this uninterrupted time calmly explain to your wife all that I have mentioned above concerning the devastation and hurt which you now feel so that she understands: the long time ago that the affair occurred does not automatically erase your current feelings of devastation because your trust was violated. Explain to her that in order for you to get past this she must be willing to talk about it so that you both can move past this. Also, share with her all of your concerns. As you share with her do so in a non-judgmental and calm manner in order for your wife to feel comfortable and able to honestly reply to your concerns. Listen to her responses and then respond to her from your heart in a respectful and loving manner as you continue the dialog. Communication and honesty are vital for relationships to continue in a healthy and positive manner. As a result, both of you need to feel comfortable and safe in sharing with one another. Also, a book that many of my clients have given me positive feedback on in dealing with the same situation can be found by clicking here:
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