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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  PHD LPC
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I am engaged and due to be married in a couple months. My dilemma

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I am engaged and due to be married in a couple months. My dilemma is that my fiance is not interested in sex with me. He's 44. Does he have a problem with impotence you ask? Well with me it seems he can't get hard. But the times that we've broken up, he's been with women. So he OBVIOUSLY doesn't have a problem....just with me. New Year's Eve we were, or at least I, was looking forward to having sex after not having it with him since January 09 (we broke up between Feb-Aug09). Yes, that is correct, since getting back together in August and through New Year's we did not do it. Anyways, after me drinking a bottle of wine and he having some beers, I suggest we had time for some fun before the new year rang in. He ROLLED his eyes. We made our way to the bed; he was not hard; I go down on him; we proceed with intercourse. I don't get touched except a couple of times on my breasts. He's got his eyes closed the entire time like he's afraid to look. 20 or so minutes later we're done and that's it. No foreplay, no kissing, no touching. Sunday after New Years I had to leave and will be gone for a month. Think I got any kind sex to send me off. I have had this conversation with him several times over the past 2 years of dating. I stated what my needs were. I emphasized I take care of him in the bed but he does nothing to return. All along he has said that there was nothing to worry about. He says all the relationships he's had in the past were only about sex and that I am the only one where there has been so much more to the relationship as sex. With me there's everything there that a relationship should have. Sex is just not the primary thing in the relationship and it'll come. What gives?? I have tried seducing him; initiating romance to set the mood but to no avail. But every time we broke up, he was quick to be online hooking up with somebody. It is now at the point where he says my fears and insecurities are affecting our relationship and that I need to let the past go as he cannot fix it. I understand and agree but after the New Years disappointment, I don’t know what to think. The wedding invites went out this weekend and I’m still wondering if I’ve made the right decision. We’ve never intimately kissed. In the 2 years of our on and off relationship we’ve only had sex a handful of times. He’s cheated on me; once for sure; the second time it was insinuating such in an email. Again, that was the past. Please advise.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 7 years ago.
Hi and welcome

There are an awful lot of red flags in your post. He cheats, he can't be intimate with you and you want to get married to him? Why are you even contemplating marrying him? Why is he marrying you? I would suggest you think again about this marriage. You are setting yourself up for a life full of disappointments, heartache and pain to say nothing about a cheating husband. I know this may sound harsh but he is trying to make it sound like his impotence is your fault, it isn't and you need to open your eyes and see the reality of what your life will become if you marry him.
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
So let me clarify. The cheating was done in the past. We broke up for 6 months, where he hit rock bottom. Lost his job, home, etc. He since found a new job, home and contacted me. He wanted the chance to show me he's changed. And he has...except in the bedroom. The lack of sex and intimacy is the only thing that has not changed. So, just based on that, are you saying this makes him a cheat or must be cheating with others and is with me for some other reason?
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 7 years ago.

If he changed and came back to you I still question his motives. If you were so sure that he would be the husband you want how can that be if he can't perform with his "wife" you really believe that he will not go out of the marriage and have relations with others with whom he can perform? There is something that is not right with that, so yes, he may love you but I do not see how he is capable of loving you the way a husband loves a wife , he will eventually go out of the marriage for sex. Furthermore, what about you in all of this? Where are your needs being met? I do not meant to sound harsh but if you look at your situation from a professional view there are plenty of red flags and if you were in my office I wouldn't tell you not to marry him, that is not my job. I would suggest you wait and make sure you can live this type of life, go to therapy with him before the wedding. The bedroom is a pretty important piece to a marriage and if you are okay with knowing you aren't able to excite him but other women can, that is a problem now and will be in the future. I cannot tell you in good conscience that this will be a wonderful union.
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Edited by Dr. Keane on 1/5/2010 at 1:57 AM EST
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