replied 7 years ago.
Thank you so much for your insightful answer. I know I'm a grown woman, but I can't seem to stop crying about this because some of the things he claimed about me personally ARE true, even though he's handled this clinically and coldly, I feel. It's like his words hit me to the core of who I am, in part, and no guy had ever said those things to me. He said I was self-centered and needy, plus he wasn't comfortable that I brought up something again (had done this once while we were alone) about his daughter and Christmas morning, while he was having Thanksgiving night dessert with me, my mom and my daughter. It would be the first Christmas morning he wouldn't have her, and he was hurt about this, and I only brought it up because I wanted to show him that he wouldn't be all alone, that I'd invite him to my home that morning to make him feel a little better during that lonely time. I also told him about some divorced parents I know who don't see their child for the entire two-week holiday break, not just Christmas morning. He said that saying this was insensitive to his feelings, especially in front of my daughter and mom. I feel awful about that, and apologized that night, I meant no harm at all. Truth is, I know what it's like to not have my daughter on a major holiday - even her birthday. I never got the chance to tell him that, though, because he dumped me so abruptly.
What I also neglected to tell you was two major things, and I'm sorry I didn't discuss them: (1) the first truly emotionally intimate moment I shared with him, (2) Thanksgiving night when he came to my house - which HE invited himself to a MONTH ago. I was thrilled, but it's not like I brought it up.
While the physical intimacy abruptly stopping hurts terribly, the truth was, I didn't truly open up my heart until the last two weeks in our relationship. All along he had been saying, "You can open up to me" and "Don't be afraid to talk to me, I'm here, you're important to me."
Well, one day, two weeks ago, I did. My mom was dealing with a major heart health issue, trying to decide whether to have surgery or not, and she asked ME for advice - it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I asked him for advice, while feeling a bit teary over the phone. Again, my emotions were running unusually high because of the birth control. I wasn't crying hysterically or anything like that at all, however.
He was very nice, calm, and when I saw him later, he held me in a way, without sex, that made me feel the safest I'd felt in 10 YEARS! He hugged me hard, and I cried a just a little, and he didn't let go. I thought I'd finally found someone I could open up to, after all these years.
Well, when he came over to my house for Thanksgiving night (he was missing his daughter who was with his ex and the new husband, though he saw her during the day), I knew he was feeling uncomfortable about his own situation over the holidays, and perhaps about being in a girlfriend's family's home for the first time in a long time. I acted a little flippant, nervous I guess, trying to be light for the occasion so that we'd be in good spirits, but my mom really ARGUED politics with him, and talked about my ex a little in front of him and my daughter, who already hates her father because of his abusive behavior (he was under court supervised visits for THREE years with her). He didn't like this at all, he said, afterwards. And he already thought my mom didn't like him because she had an idea that I was spending a lot of time at his house having sex, because at one point, she had called me late at night at his house practically screaming over the phone where he could hear her disappointment. I only answered the phone when she called because my mom has had health issues.
Also, he said he smokes pot once in awhile, told me that he wanted to change, and I think hoped I'd help him. (He's a strong, disciplined career person, owns a home, is incredibly responsible with his daughter, doesn't get drunk, doesn't do anything in front of me, and while I am against that he even does this once in awhile, I accepted this early on,and hoped to influence him positively, which perhaps I shouldn't have). During Thanksgiving, my mom brought up family, which people do. But she brought up my cousin who was in the news recently, who's in law enforcement, and arrested someone recently for a few years about a pot-related crime, so maybe he was spooked by that. Maybe he thought I had discussed it with her, but I didn't.
After all this baggage, this what hurts the most - that moment when I truly let him in, and
I really need to look him in the eye and tell him how I feel - how hurt, and how could he just drop me when just last week he was saying how important I was to him, and that he'd always be there.
Am I making any sense, or was this situation so complicated that it's not worth crying over, even though I still am crying. What is wrong with me? HE'S wrong for me in so many ways, though in some important ways, he brought me back to life, if you know what I mean. Why can't I get over him, even after what I've shared with you here?
Thank you so much for listening and caring, Anna.