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Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1525
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
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Im 22 and my girlfriend is 21. We are currently in the fourth

Customer Question

I'm 22 and my girlfriend is 21. We are currently in the fourth year of our relationship but I am currently feeling dissatisfied with how it is currently. I would never say we have had a great sex life. Other the last two years we have had intercourse twice. My girlfriend has always been unconfident with her body and I have never wanted to place and pressure on her so we haven't spoken about this. When we were having sex regularly I felt it was mainly to keep me happy but when I starting feeling this I stopped asking and since we do not have sex any more. I personally want to have a intimate relationship but I am unsure how to approach this. We do engage in foreplay about once a month where we masturbate each other but I rarely find this satisfy and I suspect she feels the same.

We live separately and I currently work 70 hours a week which means sometimes we can only see each other 1-2 times a month. She understand this but I feel its effecting us

Do you have any advice on what to do?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
Hi there. It sounds like you are in a tough place with your relationship. I am glad you are reaching out for help and I am sure your girlfriend would appreciate it too. First thing first, you and your girlfriend need to have a serious discussion about any concerns or problems each of you have in the relationship. If you do not talk about it then it will not get fixed. I tell my patients that I would rather have them yell at each other everyday and complain about their problems then to not talk to each other and keep everything in. If intercourse is an issue between you two then sit down and talk about what each of you think the problem is and then make a plan to fix it. There may be underlying issues that have not been talked about and now you guys are not left guessing what is wrong with the other person. This should be your first step, If you want this relationship to flourish than you have to communicate with each other. At the same time, it is also great to talk about the good things that are happening in the relationship. If you guys cannot come up with a gameplan to resolve this issue then I would suggest touching base with a counselor for couples counseling. A few sessions may help to resolve your problems. I hope this helps and good luck.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Hi Dr G,

Thank you for taking the time to review and answer my question.

I have felt for a while that we are going to need to discus this. I'm not sure how to approach it. Do you have any tips how to approach this type of discussion. I feel I don't know where to start and will end up explaining something wrong and creating a problem.

I'm aware of my girlfriends confident issues and I don't want to put her in a place that she is uncomfortable with to please me as I feel that's not fair. I do feel a lack of intimacy and romance as a result though.

Many thanks
Chris [email protected]
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
Write down a list of your concerns and have her do the same. Take each one at a time as to not get side tracked. As long as you approach her with a caring and support attitude and don't play the blame game then you should do fine. If things get too off track then take a timeout and let things cool down then resume the discussion. If I were you I would be asking her opinion on things and how she views the positive and negatives of the relationship just to get a feeling of where she is coming from. DO this when there are no distractions. If so, you can do it at dinner at a restaurant or in the quiet confines of your house. I can't predict how it will turn out but I do know that this needs to happen to get things resolved and back on track. I hope this helps. Good luck.