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Dr.G.
Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1523
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
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A month ago, my boyfriend of almost three years decided to

Resolved Question:

A month ago, my boyfriend of almost three years decided to break up with me. Our relationship has been rocky right from the start, but we've always managed to pull things together and work things through. However, due to the fact that I've been really stressed with grad school and work, I was dragging him down along with me... until it came to a point where he said that he can't be strong for me anymore. However, he did say that he wanted to remain friends. It completely crushed me, but I have to struggled to keep myself together and move on with my life. Two weeks ago he called, and said that he did not want to lose me forever, but wanted time and space for himself so when we do meet again (we were in a long distance relationship across continents) he'll be able to start afresh and love me for what I was, before this relationship turned sour and brought out the worst side of both of us...

I try to be satisfied with that but the point is I'm scared of taking it one day at a time and seeing where it goes. I try not to think so forward into the future, because I'm scared that he will want to go out with other girls, forget about me, and move on. I did however propose that in this time that we are apart we should try not to date other people so that either of us will not get hurt - and he has agreed to, although a bit reluctantly. I'm not sure if this was asking too much.

I'm really in a big dilemma right now. I feel that I'm happy that I get some time to concentrate on myself and become a better person, but I'm also scared that I will in time, lose him forever... and also get hurt in the process if I build up this anticipation that we will have another go at it another time in the distant future.

Please advise!
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
I hear where you are coming from and making long distance relationships work is pretty hard. The one thing that stands out the most about your problem is that you feel happy now that you have time to yourself and focus on what is important to you, which is school. Good luck with grad school by the way. When you leave the decision up to him where the relationship goes you automatically leave your future up to him. The longer it is left up in the air the longer you will be struggling and possibly lose sleep and have anxiety which may affect your school work. You need to decide what you want from the relationship...state this in clear terms to him... and if he cannot support that then you have your answer to move on. You do not have unrealistic expectations and you are not asking too much but at the same time if he cannot respect and support that then move on. You have realistic fears that you may get hurt in the future, especially if the relationship has not gone well in the past. That is a big risk to take and a lot of time and energy to put into something that may not turn out. Tell him what you want, whatever that might be (hopefully it is what is best for you), and let him give you more information before you make your move. I hope this helps and if you need anything in the future please let me know.
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I tried telling him that it was a really unfair situation for me to be in - to be left at the side as a 'back-up' just in case he doesn't find anyone better... in which he laughed jokingly and said that, for now, he just wanted to be single. When he asked me then, what would be fair for me - that we stopped all forms of communication - in turn which would hurt him - I did not know what to answer. I am tired of bringing this subject up again and again and I sense that he is getting tired and annoyed of discussing it but I know in my heart that I will be the one hurt again if this goes on... should I just tell him that, we should just stop trying to contact each other?