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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  PHD LPC
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i have been married for 9 years we have 4 kids my wife left

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i have been married for 9 years we have 4 kids my wife left for an ex of hers since he has left her she says she only wants to be friends but i am confused she calls me first thing every morning every night when she gets off work we text msg back and forth all day we have even had sex when i took kids to visit her now she is coming down to see kids for thanks giving i want her back but i am confused as to what she wants
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 7 years ago.
Hi and welcome

It could be that is having second thoughts about leaving you and the four children It could also be guilt, she calls you every morning for what? to see how you are or to check on the kids? What are the contents of the text messages? Just general or specifics? Maybe she doesn't know how to tell you, oops, I made a big mistake or she may just want her cake and eat it too! The only way you are going to find out why she is behaving this way is to ask her "what do you want and what are you doing". You, on the other hand have the responsibility of the four children every day. You have to decide what you want. If she is aware that you are going to "wait" and be the dutiful dad and be at her beck and call, she will continue behaving this way. You need to make it clear that you are not going to be her friend, that won't work. She can be friendly but never a friend. That relationship was breeched when she took off and left four young kids and a husband. Sounds pretty selfish doesn't it? Did you say her ex left her? I wasn't sure about that. I would suggest you both see a marriage counselor to help you decide what you want to do. Once you have four children I always tell patients it is not "YOU" anymore, it's about them too. How are they handling their Mom being gone? As difficult as it may be for you to do, you need to set up some boundaries and rules in regards XXXXX XXXXX calling, texting etc. You need to take charge of this "dance" and let her follow your lead. Right now it sounds like she has the power and you are the person being responsible in this marriage. I hope this helps.
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
yes i said her ex alredy left her he went back to his wife her calls in the morning usauly just to let me know she is ok i tried marriage counsling she said no kids dont understand why this is going on they just know mommy and daddy love each other and i dont know what to tell them i ask if she still had feelings for me a 2 week agao when this started she said she didnt think so but to be honest she didnt know and its steadly getting more we have proggessed to i am so and so house ill call u when done when this started it was i am going to a friends house then she started letting me know it wasnt a guy then it more to phone calls than text
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 7 years ago.
Hi, if she refused to go to marriage counseling she doesn't want the marriage. If she thought about her kids and you she would make the effort to try. I do marriage counseling everyday and when someone refuses to come in you can be sure they do not want the marriage to work. If she won't go, you should get some individual counseling which would help you immensely. Your kids deserve better and so do you. She calls you to let you know she is okay??? I would at least hope she would call to see if you and the kids are okay? She sounds very self centered. It's not usual for a mother to leave her children and not see them very often. You need to get some help for you in terms of counseling. The next time she calls ask her why she thinks you need to know where she is and what she is doing? Try to act a bit aloof and see what happens. She is holding on to you while she does whatever she wants, manipulative to say the least.
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Edited by Dr. Keane on 11/8/2009 at 2:17 PM EST
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