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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1768
Experience:  PHD LPC
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I would like to direct this to Johnathan Rudiger if possible,

Resolved Question:

I would like to direct this to Johnathan Rudiger if possible, I have engaged in this conversation before and would like more advice from him...I have previously explained a relaionship that I have been involved in for the past 9 years or so and I have also previously ended this relationship. The circumstances that came about lead to the termination of that relationship. I was as I said before very unhappy for many years and I continued the relationship out of fear of being on my own and not wanting to break up my family for my childrens sake. I subsequently focused my attention on beginning a hobby and side career, I am a creative person and I began making novelty items to sell at craft fairs and as school fundraisers. This brought me alot of joy and purpose to my life. I had not been doing this for very long before a very nice man began persuing me and I found myself hesitantly opening up to him and now have gotten quite involved with, I need advice on the turn on this relationship..
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 8 years ago.
Hi and welcome,

I have noticed that Jonathan has not replied as yet and if you are okay with someone else answering your post I would be glad to assist you.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Yes, that would be fine, I will have to give you alittle background info.
I am 42, mother of 4 sons 18,16,10, and 7. Two oldest sons with my first husband, my 10 year old with my second husband whom passed away 9 1/2 years ago. He had bipolar and comitted suicide. I got involved with another man and have been with him for approximately 8-9 years, I met him within 6 months or so after my second husband passed away. He attracted me because he was the very opposite of my second husband, stable, hard working, strong and seemed dependable and I was gererally interested in him and he seemed to really have his life together and I was attracted to that. We were together for a year to two and I had a child with him, we moved in together and found out he has serious committment problems, which I saw signs of before I got pregnant... He over time never really supported me emotionally or financially and I moved out once with the intention of us seperating to try to work out our issues, but he never would go to a counselor, but he seemed to improve on some of our issues and I truly believed that we would get married and were moving in the same direction, I truly wanted to do everything possible to make this relationship work because we have a child together and he has been the only father to my ten year old. Our relationship never took the next natural turn and he has a very good union job and was mayor of our small town in addition to owning rental properties, I have cleaned residentially for myself since my husband passed away to support myself and my sons. I also helped him to remodel these homes and have put much labor and time into helping him with that and keeping yards mowed and helping clear brush, etc. around the rentals and keepng up with a 10 acre farm that him and his mother own. He has never wanted to help me and my 10 year old get health insurance or have things arranged so that we would have some security if something were to happen to him and basically has his mother as taking control over all his properties if something were to happen to him this hurts me tremendously and I know that his mother would not see to it that I would get much because they are very greedy people. I have much history to back up how I feel taken advantage of and it has been very hard for me to break away do mostly to my feelings of guilt over my sons and wanting them to have a stable life. I decided to start emotionaly withdrawing from him and I found something that I enjoyed doing - producing and selling crafts, which I have been fairly successful at, still just in the beginnings but have began to do school fundraisers and am planning on marketing to many area schools and private schools, it has given me something to occupy myself in addition to giving me some confidence and hope and something to look forward to in my life. I have never had any intention of leaving him although I thought to myself, I know the kind of man I would want and believe me the list has been getting linger and longer but I have always known that that is ok, more likely that you will find just what you want because you have a better idea of the kind of person you would like to have in your life to add to it. But I thought god would have to plop that person down right in front of my nose because I would never go out looking, the furthest thing from my mind. At one of my craft fairs at a local church, a man had purchased some of my items and later ended up seeing me out at a restaurant and he spoke and said he was interested in me making something custom for him, which I do. I did not think much about it, and in fact he called three times checking on my progress. Our convos were all business but I noticed he was giving me info that he was divorced and I got the feeling that he might be interested in more than my necklaces. He finally called one day and actually asked me out on a lunch date which i was completely taken by surprise and subsequently turned down because I explained that although I was not married I was involved in a long term relationship, I was disenchanted at the time with that relationship and just 2 months previously before this gentleman came on the scene I had moved much of my belongings to a storage with the thought that if we did not make some positive changes that I had my mind on terminating this relationship. I did not go into detail at all but must not have sounded very convincing with my explaination for turning him down that he ended up emailing me (which he had gotten off my business card) He asked again and I explained alittle about where I was and he ended up emailing me several times explaining where he was in his life and what he was looking for in a future relationship and what he wanted out of life. He was the most forthright in what he shared and I was so taken back that I emailed him back. Without telling him anything abut myself he had continued to reveal so much more about his life and his outlook on life that I thought to myself " this guy is one of a kind and very special."
He is 47 and has been in the investment business since he was 21. He had been happily married for 18 years and has two children from that marriage. A daughter 13 and a son who is 9. He loves being married and is very much a family man, and had a very passionate devoted life with his wife, and was devestated when she went on her annual trip to mexico wth her girlfriends and fell in love with a 27 year old commercial airline pilot. She said she no longer loved him and wanted a divorce, he immediately wanted to go to counseling to try to understand how and why this happened and what he could do to make things work, but she never gave him the chance to fight for her. He has been out of that relationship for close to one year, they do work together because he owns the business and she is one of the sales reps for the company, He has said he thinks she is no longer the person he married and cannot see being with her again, he also has not showed her ill will, because she is the mother of his children and has not fought over possessions and is very respectful of her.He wants to maintain a positive relationship for his children because they are number one with him. We had continued to converse and I refused to go anywhere with him because I was not out of my relationship, but I did want to continue conversing and getting to know him because of the integrity and character I recognized in him and I felt and still feel that he is a quality person and we continued to ask important questions that you dont usually ask because you are so csught up in the physical aspect of the relationship and all we had was conversation so we cut to the heart of alot of issues, he answers completley and very genuinely and I hear truth in his words. We speak to each others hearts. I mean we really discussed everyday issues that cause much of the problems in relationships and learned alot about the other.I thought wow I am starting to feel some real feelings and it did seem kind of crazy considering I never saw him face to face and thought that was important if I decided to continue with him.So I did meet him at his home and we took a mule ride out on his property and had a glass of wine, and Although he is not what I would typically find physically attractive I felt that it would not be an issue that I had gotten beyond that and liked who he was on the inside , I have had many good men in my life that I let slip away on such a supeficial trait before getting the chance to know them, he would have been one of those people. I have passed on several men that later recognized would have been good with me.I have not always made the right decisions in that area of my life. I feel I have matured and am finally at a place where I know what I want in a mate and what is truly important. I ended up moving out, and my relationship with this new man became serious very quickly, I think we just felt we had fallen in love and we were saying I love you and talking and making plans for the future and discussing parenting issues and introducing the children slowly and even had a ring picked out. I ended up feeling a bit overwhelmed and had had several discussions with my previous mate whom at the point was devastated himself and had begun to realize that I truly was moving on ( he was fine with me moving out prior to finding out about his other person) He began to want to fight for me and I began to question what was all taking place and I freaked out and was in a bit of limbo for a couple weeks, I do not believe that my previous relationship will improve because we have been down that road so many times and he has never been willing to recognize his involement and has never wanted to put in any effort to make things right between us not just the marrying thing but his overall disrespect and treatment towards me and the behavior that he exposes of the treament of me to my sons. If it is not a problem of his than it is not a problem. I was in limbo because this new man has so much to offer not only in the way of being a loyal compassinate and loving man to me but most importantly I think he has much to offer my sons and has been willing to parent them as his own. I have grown to love him very much but a part of me feels inadequate, I have low self esteem and my life feels like a mess. I have no assets make very little income and I am so used to disappointment that I got scared when I began to feel threatened that I could lose him and this relationship, I began to wonder if he would want to go back to his ex, because he said she had begun to make overatures to him about that and when he recntly had a family hayride with his family and close friends that had been him and his wives over the years, Ijust got a weird vibe and it seemed his ex memory was still too present. I rashly ended things and broke his heart along with my own.( He admitted that he had been sad thinking about the fact that him and his ex had done this hayride together with their friends and family for the past 14 yeaars and he had even called her and told her that) I was so scared of being hurt that I thought i would hurt him firt so as not to have to deal with him denying me. It was very irrational behavior, well I think I had some validity to my concerns but should have ridden it out. I ended up crying and crying and felt so distraught that I wrote him a letter explaining and we talked about it but I can tell that he was scared and had pulled back considerably.Which I understand. He is also afraid that I might ultimatley go back and he does not want to stand in the way , because he does not want to break up a family, and has always had that as a great concern he has asked if I have done every thing I feel I could do and let him know so that he could have a chance to fight for that relationship unlike him. I have spoken to so many counselors and all have said that I have been treated with ill will and diprespect and that considering that I am not married I do not have to put up with such behavior. What are the chances that a person would change, I have givenhim numerous times to make changes and he has never cared to. I have this wonderful man who I consider to be my best friend and regardless of where we go from now will continue to be a friend and important person in my life. He cares tremendously about my welfare and emotionally. We have decided that we got swept away and that we are going to have our own seperate lives for now and slowly continue to get to know each other and let things progress naturally and not rush anything. I know that I need to work on my own self esteem issues and get my life together before I can be where I need to be, to be in a healthy relationship and I am willing to do the work and he is happy to hold my hand while I do and we are not having expectations, we may find we are better friends than mates and are happy with whatever comes. Although I truly feel that I am in love with him, Iam still scared a bit, we have a sexual relationship and of course I have gotten bonded to him subsequently, is it a good idea to continue that or should I use some restraint in that area,I feel I should maintain boundaries and we are working backwardsalittle bit here. Also, I felt that my previous partner should be more willing to help me to get back on my feet and he is completly unwilling to do so unless I come back to him, give me advice on if I am going about things the way I should and insight on to what degree I should progress in this present relationship, is it unfair of me to feel my previous mate should e more helpful to me, I guess I cant expect it due to experience with him but if he was a decent person thats I feel the least he could do,he had promised that in leui of childsupport he would buy me a house or help with a down payment he buys properties all the time but now refuses, I have no furniture, had no beds for our shildren, my new friend boughjt them for us and has bought our groceries and helped me get into an apartment until I can get on my feet. If I had been married I could have been intilted to half of what he has, I dont even want near that just something fair and he refuses another reason I dont think he will ever change.Wha are your thoughts?
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 7 years ago.
i will read this and ge back to you .....
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
ok, I know I got to rambling there....
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 7 years ago.
Yes it was quite a bit of writing and it took me a few reads to get it straight... you and your friend are doing the right thing by slowing things down, as far as having a sexual relationship with him that is your personal choice but you may want to backstep a bit further but that has to be a decision you make. You are totally right on about working on you and your self esteem. What you have done by moving out is allowing yourself a new life, so lose the guilt over your ex's pressuring you to return and forget letting him help you get back on your feet. You will do that on your own, it may be slow and you may have to work more but you'll feel more independent by not asking him for anything. If you don't have any expectations of his stepping up to the plate and helping you out you can't feel disappointment. Your relationship with your new friend has potential. You both sound like decent moral people who found each other and are forging your relationship based on true friendship and possibly love. You have to let it play out. Don't be guilted by your ex. Take your life into your own hands and deal with the struggles it presents. Let your new friend help you if he offers and just enjoy each other's company for the time being. Your communication with him is great. You both have a lot in common so just enjoy. Keep creating and selling your crafts, maybe in time that can be your full time career. You seem to be doing the right thing and heading in the right direction.
I hope this helps.
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