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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1768
Experience:  PHD LPC
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I met a guy on a dating site. We met mid September. The first

Customer Question

I met a guy on a dating site. We met mid September. The first meeting was a Friday night. Went so well we saw each other saturday night, he stayed the night and we spent all day sunday together. Things progressed and we spent more evenings together, another weekend (all initiated by him), texts initiated by him, emails initiated by him and after nine dates he went cold. He had called me his girlfriend without prompting, we had discussed future plans, he had downloaded my photos from the internet,was totally full on to the point of scaring me and then 360 degree about turn out of the blue.

He left on a wed morning and we arranged to see each other the following monday night (he has two children so every other weekend he spends with them and we both had plans in between). No emails or texts. By Friday I sent an email just checking he was ok for the monday night and he replied yes he was. Heard nothing all weekend so on sunday i sent a friendly email saying see you tomorrow. I expected a reply but nothing! By Monday I was panicking but did nothing till one hour before meeting. I texted a message asking if he could come round a little earlier. He replied back yes and he came round. I didn't have 'the conversation' or ask him if anything was wrong in case I sounded like a bunny boiler. Had a good night, nothing seemed any different and I assumed I had been overreacting in my head. He asked to stay the night and although I made some noises about it would be better if he left he stayed.

The next morning I asked if he was coming over later in the week and he ummed and aaghed and said he had his daughters one night and then he had a work visit in the eve ning (he is an estate agent so entirely possible). He said he would let me know by email later that day. I heard nothing. I next received a text message on Thursday (day and a half later) saying 'hi, how are you? havng to work overtime these days but will call you soon for lesson number 4' (he was teaching me to roller blade). I replied a while later with 'I'm good thanks, XXXXX XXXXX sometime' to which he replied with another picture message of a mountain saying 'I'm up in the mountains again, magnificent' to which I didn't reply. Since then I have heard nothing from him except I see he has looked at my profile on the dating site once on saturday night and once yesterday morning, I am seriously confused and hurt. I really don't know what happened. I didn't get heavy, I didn't swamp with calls or emails or texts and I am an attractive 40 year old woman who he clearly was attracted to. He said he couldn't believe his luck! He is a 38 year old man, very attractive with two young children. He has been separated for a year from his ex wife. He met another woman on the internet and had a relationship with her for 6 months after his split and that had ended only a few weeks before he went out with me. She had asked him for a time frame for having babies and he couldn't give one. I don't know if he has gone back to her despite telling me it wasn't working with her, if it never really ended properly with her or if he is just looking on the internet for more options. He was on the dating site again last night and seems to have been on a lot recently! One thing that springs to mind is after our second weekend together he said he was feeling more secure with the relationship and I said I was feeling the opposite. He seemed very surprised that we were thinking different things and as he had told me a lot about his past e.g. taking drugs and having a couple of affairs he accused me of saying that because of what he had said. I don't know if this conversation contributed to the thaw.

I am making no contact with him at all and I don't know if it is a good sign that he is looking at my profile quite regularly on the dating site now when he wasn't looking last week.

Please help. I really don't know what to do. I am off on holiday for two weeks with my sister on saturday so I don't know if I should contact him before I go or just leave it. The contact would be by email. I would really like another chance but I don't want to do something now to jeopardise it. I really doubt he will contact me before I go (he knows approximately when I am leaving) and in the meantime it's driving me mad. I am trying to take my mind off it but I can't. It's the fact that after 9 dates he can't even tell me it's over properly or what's going on.

Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 7 years ago.
Hi and welcome,
There are a number of reason why he is acting this way and most of them have nothing to do with you. First, go away with your sister and do not contact him before you go. He is separated, not divorced? red flag. Has had affairs? bigger red flag. Blaming you because you felt less secure than he felt. huge red flag. This is a guy who does not take responsibility for his behavior. He has way too many issues to deal with from his marriage and children to dating again. You were intimate with him the day after you first met? Do you know many guys who wouldn't hang around if a woman was paying attention to him and having sex with him??
I would suggest you stay away for the two weeks and see if he contacts you. He has no idea what he is doing to other people, especially the women in his life. He has no respect and will use you for sex. My question to you is why would you want to place yourself in this position?
Protect yourself and if he does contact you I would have conditions for him if he wants to see you again. I see nothing but problems with this guy.

Dr. Keane
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Thanks for your reply and I completely accept that there are lots of red flags but for me to move on I would like to get some closure.


I really want to know if in your experience with a situation like this he will make contact at some point. I am concerned that he will eventually feel bad about not getting in touch and that will make him less inclined to make contact fearing rejection or harsh words from me when he does. I have not initiated any contact since I last saw him and as you have seen my reply to his text was short and without emotion.


I'm sure in the long run I am better off without this guy but I can't help thinking it was something I did. He managed to sustain a 10 year marriage and subsequently a six month relationship so I don't honestly think he is a commitment phobic. he has managed relationships before but has been addicted to pain killers for about two years in the past and so has an addictive personality I am assuming.


I am beating myself up thinking it was me or that it was too much too soon and he pulled back. I know he told his daughters about me and he had asked me to meet them more or less straightaway but I declined saying it was too soon for me and for them. I saw this as a sign he was genuine and wanted to move the relationship on.


So back to my question, is it likely he will contact me again or do I just accept it's finished and I am cast out for good.


Honestly I am a mature, educated, professional woman and not used to feeling like this but I got badly hurt here.


Thanks again.

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 7 years ago.
Without a crystal ball I cannot say for sure however his pattern suggests that it is not so much commitment phobia but a guy who has way too many issues on his plate. He may have felt rejection coming on when you told him you felt the opposite way and ran. Who knows, many guys have real remorse when they divorce and leave children behind. He doesn't like feeling pressured and you certainly didn't pressure him so his leave was totally his choice for whatever reason. If and when he does call you need to decide what you want from the relationship, if anything.
I'd keep it casual, go rollerblading and meet to dinner etc. He may just be scared of his feelings and not know what else to do except bolt. It's hard getting hurt so make sure your reasons for responding to him are the right ones.
Hope this helps.
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Edited by Dr. Keane on 10/20/2009 at 4:08 PM EST