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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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hi, Ive been in a relationship for 5 months before I got out.

Customer Question

hi, I've been in a relationship for 5 months before I got out. This man hit me after three months. Then later we had an argument, and he was going to break my finger and slam the car door on my hand (with minor injury) I broke off with him until he begged for me to stay with him. so I stayed as he said he got into therapy. When he got back he became better, but we watched this movie where a guy was pushing a girl, and he said they exaggerated the scene. Then he told me that with domestic violence, you can't sue the police. I thought that was a threat and took note. Then later he started talking about his childhood and how he got hit all the time. I thought that was blaming circumstances and not taking responsibility but he told me that he was just trying to let go. Then one day we had a fight and he tore my t-shirt a bit and there was a little mark that didn't hurt but I saw it when I got back to my house and faced the mirror. After that he was very sweet, but I felt I couldn't trust him with anything. So I ended the relationship again. Now I feel bad for not giving him a chance and he said I just threw away the most beautiful relationship. I am so confused I feel I should have given him a chance, but I looked at many websites that it is hard for him to actually change so I was scared and didn't trust him. Was I wrong not to give him a chance?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 7 years ago.

Good Afternoon,


Violence is a difficult thing to live with. You are correct, just because someone had been abused does not mean that is what they ought to do later on.

Life gives people a chance to learn. He having recollections of his own past could have chosen to behave the opposite yet, had not.

What you are describing fits the cycle of abuse . An incident of abuse takes place, the man promises that he will change or do better, after some time the abuse starts and then back in the same cycle over and over.

People do not change easily. So, if he had gone to therapy - great. It takes a lot more for a person to change and it takes time for sure. Unless you are willing to live in fear, in an abusive relationship (because love is non abusive period)

"I am so confused I feel I should have given him a chance."

Perhaps you ought to give yourself a chance to be free, loved and taken care of and respected as an individual and a woman. That is within your control.

I regret to be the bearer of this news but abusive men do not change easily and the women continue to suffer unless they decide they need a happier and a healthier partner.

So, to address your question if it was right or wrong to give him a change, just answer yourself how you want to leave with this person in the future.
Dr Rossi and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Thank you very much for the answer.


I am really confused now because he never hit me again, but just tore my shirt once. Also for some reason when we got into an argument, I got so angry at him and yell at him that I think it is partly my fault, that I am the one hurting him. He told me I treat him like a dog and I need to get into anger management class.


I agree I have to, but in the meantime, I think being together will cause so much damage. He could not understand this and blame me for running away, saying that I am the bad person for finding more faults just so I can get away from this relationship. He made me feel so guilty.


I am not one to stay long in a relationship so I thought it was my fault, too.


I guess my question is:


1. Is it still abuse if he tore my t-shirt just a little bit? Usually abusive situations escalate, but this time, it is better, so should I give him a chance?

2. Am I really the kind of girl who runs away from a relationship or is there a legitimate reason?

3. If he says he will change, and it will take time, that means I have to break up with him anyway right, since in the meantime he will be abusive anyway?


Thank you!


Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 7 years ago.

It is never one's fault to be abused. Abuse does not have space in any relationship. Even if you had made some mistakes (everyone does/no one is perfect) still there is no need for physical abuse.


The questions 2+3 that you had posted are something you need to arrive at an answer by yourself. In regard to #1 - yes it is abusive (if another individual does this to someone else, it is a battery and a chargeable offense)