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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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Fiance and I had our first real fight ( ) last night. We have

Customer Question

Fiance and I had our first real fight (?) last night. We have been together for almost 4 years (in March) and had proposed to me Labor Day weekend...I was on top of the world. He came home last night from work, seemed very distant, and insisted he was okay. I knew something was up, and kept on it. Finally, he broke down and told me that he just doesn't feel the same about us, not like it was in the beginning. He said he felt pressure to ask me to marry him from everyone and wasn't sure what he wanted as this point. He said he felt like he was too much into a routine now. He said it was all him and didn't know what was wrong with him. I told him (with tears of course) that he needs to make his decision because I can't be in the same home with him if he feels that way. He did start to pack necessary items then he lost it and said he didn't want to go and asked me to put my engagement ring back on. Now I am extremely emotional and unsure of everything.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 8 years ago.

Good Morning,


It is possible that he is getting cold feet and is confusing that with feeling distant (or "not the same about the relationship") ; those are separate issues.

A routine will always be something any couple may encounter with time (couples go trough stages like anything else in life) What helps is to always seek spontaneous things to do, break the routine once in a while (but settled couples) are also able to be comfortable with predictability which is found in long term relationships.


Perhaps couples premarital counseling will be beneficial if there is willingness on both ends to try it. This will also help you sort out priorities, feelings and see what each one plans and how you and he sees the relationship let's say in 2 years from now, 5, 7, etc.

Edited by Dr Rossi on 10/9/2009 at 3:28 PM EST
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Customer: replied 8 years ago.
What could he mean by he still loves me and cares about me, but just doesn't feel the same? Since posting my question, we are now not together anymore.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 8 years ago.
Word games men play. I love you would mean that I would do anything to help our relationship, I would take the time to work on myself in case there were issues with me, etc. I don't feel the same is like I am uncertain about our relationship, we had some good times but I want to explore other options etc. It has to be one way or the other. It cannot be both. If he professes love, then you may ask him if he would be willing to consider couple's therapy and whatever else you think is necessary to help the relationship and see what answer he comes up with. That answer will tell you what he is all about. And seek for a straight answer not something like if you want, if this or if that. No ifs.