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How can I choose between two men when I can honestly see a

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long-term future with both? I...
How can I choose between two men when I can honestly see a long-term future with both? I dated D a few months & really liked him, although it was hard for him to open up fully & we never had the "talk". Things were missing, but I still fell for him, yet didn't know how long to wait. When D was in Europe 2 wks, J invited me to watch reality dance show & I went- def very attracted to J, but I didn't plan it. We had common interests D and I didn't, ie dance, & once he kissed me, I melted. I stopped seeing D, & continued this intense connection with J. Since then, D has opened up more than I could expect, told me he loves me & sees marriage/kids if I give him the chance. In short time, J loves me & sees a future. J's kind/sweet, D has an edge. My personality= D's, partners in crime. If D never opened up, I wouldn't be torn as I am. J &D are amazing catches. I'm terrified to choose wrong, b/c I'll prob marry him. Made pro/cons- no help, each offer so much. Have to choose ASAP, PLEASE HELP!
Submitted: 8 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 4 hours by:
10/9/2009
Counselor: Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist replied 8 years ago
Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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Good Morning,

 

It is unclear if either man is aware about the other one. If pros and cons did not work, you could let each other know about the other man and whoever is more forgiving could be an indicator of which person is more flexible.

If you are uncertain about choosing between the two of them perhaps you have reasons for this and neither is truly to your satisfaction. People will always have flaws and you ought to follow your heart at times. There is never the ideal partner out there (just our desire for such and idealization of someone who had recently come in your life)

Maybe you need more time to see what each person is truly like. In the beginning of each relationship everyone is in a honey moon stage.

Try to see with which person you would feel more secure in the long term.

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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
Yes they are very aware of each other, however J doesn't know fully that D has opened up since him and I broke up, and J isn't aware of how hard I'm struggling. They are not friends, but know each other and are aware of one another no doubt. The first time I kissed J, I told him that I couldn't continue despite there being no verbal spoken commitment to D. Ultimately I didn't stick to that while D was in Europe, because I saw it as my only chance to explore things with J. Since, I told D that I was going to see how things panned out with J, and then he opened up completely- like if he didn't, there are things I would never know he felt/thought- and he was right. He is willing to wait until I've extinguish my relationship with J, but it's D that is the bigger ? mark for me. I don't know this side of him in a relationship, whereas I know how J will be. If I had to ask, I think J wouldn't wait per se, but I think he would be willing to if I decided to get closure with D in order to be able to fully open my heart to J. The problem is that I think both of them could be "the one", so I don't think that this means it's neither.
Counselor: Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist replied 8 years ago

It seems you have at least been able to know a side of D you did not suspect before.

If you are struggling with choosing between the two, what is to say that in the future you will not meet someone else who becomes of a romantic interest to you?

Soul searching is going to happen on a deep level and perhaps give yourself some time, monitor your dreams for subconscious messages and do not rush into anything. Things happen for a reason and there is no 100% proofed way to know what is to happen.

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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
I definitely have seen a completely different side of D that I never knew was there or even could be there. There is nothing to say that I won't be able to meet someone who I'm romantically interested in later in life, however I'm 32 and D is 34 (in Nov) and J is 29 (will turn 30 in April). I think that this one of these guys will be it for me, as that is what it seems like they want from me too. Aside from a pros/cons list, is there anything i can do to get a better idea of what to do? I'm debating telling J that I need to get closure with D before I can fully give myself to him. Even though I dated D for a few months and have known him for almost 2 years, I feel like I know more of what J has to offer me because he has been open about everything from day 1. I feel like I don't know about D... because all of what I've learned since I ended things is all new to me and I don't know for sure how that would translate into a relationship. I REALLY liked him, even though while we dated I wasn't getting what he's offering now. I don't know that D can replicate what J has shown me, but I didn't know D had this much inside him either. J is an amazing kisser and we have a lot of passionate kisses. D isn't as amazing of a kisser, but we've had some amazing kisses if that makes sense. J is so giving, as am I. But I worry he may be too nice, or too sweet. That in itself makes me worry, because he is an incredible man and will make whoever he marries the most prized precious person in his world. I feel like D's friends are more like me- I would hang out with his closest group of friends without him there. D calls me "Agua" because he says "water always finds its own level" and we are water. Both guys are incredibly smart, but J went to Stanford for his MBA and b/c he's from Texas originally most of his friends here in SF Bay Area are from his MBA program and aren't as similar to me as D's friends are. I haven't met either of their families, well I've met one of D's brothers very briefly, but D's family is in the South Bay Area and most of mine is in the East Bay. I have some family in Southern CA. J doesn't have family in CA, his is in TX. He said he's thought about moving back to TX someday, but that would depend on his wife- I think he's fine with staying here, and knows that I don't plan to move. Both men's parents are both still married, mine were divorced before I was 1, my dad's been married/divorced 2x since, and my mom is married to my (step)dad since my 3rd bday...the most amazing marriage possible.
Counselor: Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist replied 8 years ago
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