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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1768
Experience:  PHD LPC
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I met this woman online, at She is a friend

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I met this woman online, at She is a "friend" on the site, and is helping me to learn a language. Anyway, our chats started to drift off of the topic of language learning. She started flirting with me, a little. Then I noticed she was sending me alot of chat requests in the same day. So I started to write her some longer chats, then suggested we exchange emails as the conversation was really no longer about "language." I mean, she is telling me her life story, all her dreams, hopes, what she likes to do, etc. She is on vacation in Greece right now. I am a romantic, type guy. Not in a relationship at the moment. So I wrote a few short poems, not about love, but about the change in the seasons. She really like it and asked me to write her some more poetry. My last email, asked her what she was doing in Greece (laying out on the beech, eating in cafes, etc.). She responds again with lots of details, and then drops this bombshell. "Hmm, I am in a complicated relationship with a Greek man that I have fallen in love with . . . " Wow, I mean wow. What a sucker I let myself become. Anyway, a few hours after she sent this chat, she saw that I was online and immediately send me an IM request to talk. So I said, 'yes' and she was like, everything was normal. How are you? What are you up to? Tell me about your day? What is that like? etc. So I told her that I had written her a letter and was going to email it to her. She seemed really excited about getting the letter. My letter told a story about making "choices" from something that had happened in my past, not a relationship choice, but a difficult decision. Anyway, I shared the last poem I wrote with her (prior to finding out about the BF) and then stated, "I don't think I should write you anymore poetry. If I was as lucky as your Greek BF, I would not want my girlfriend getting poems from some American guy." So, what's the deal with women? Especially a woman that is 34? Do they flirt like this on purpose, leading guys on. I mean, why even tell me about him, or better yet, why not tell me about him right off the bat. One of my first emails to her was me flirting with her. She liked it. That's when I would have pulled the plug if I was her. Anyway. I don't really want to waist time on women like this, but truth is, I can't figure women out. Guess that's why I am searching here for help. Thank you.

First thing is that not all women are like this person. The problem with meeting in chats, is that you never know who you are really chatting with. It's pretty obvious that this woman has a vivid fantasy world and her Greek boyfriend "isn't doing it for her" complicated probably means he is married..that's a guess. If you want to seriously find a girlfriend who isn't in a relationship you could try any of the dating sites that screen people and are filled with someone who may be a great match with you. I see a lot of single women in my practice and have enouraged them to give it a try and they all meet someone, in fact a couple have met, married and had children with their matches. I am not familiar with at all and can only assume it's not a type site. If it is then they aren't doing their job....
For her to tell you that she has a boyfriend and is in love and a few hours later act as if nothing happened there is something very wrong with her moral compass to say nothing of hurting others.
Unfortunately there are people like her out there both men and women.
So If I can give you any "help" it would be to seek out a woman on a reputable web site or through a dating service. You sound like a very nice, young man and you write poetry! There is someone out there for you. I tell people not to have any expectations about a person when you first meet, it saves a lot of disappointment for some and causes others to be thrilled when a real trusting relationship is forged.
If you sought counseling for yourself you may find the road a bit easier. It helps to talk this stuff over with someone who can be objective.
Hope this helps.
Dr. Keane
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Thanks for the insight. But I don't use the online dating services. I still hold out hope that men and women can meet during the normal course of life, and not under any engineered pretense. But there seem to be a shortage of honest people on the planet these days. Ironic that the poem I wrote for her, BEFORE she dropped the BF bomb, was this:

"Fall . . .

Autumnal sun rising

a mercurial waning palette

of fallacious overtures

fuzing winter’s edifice"

Doubt if she will understand it though. "Poetic" in a poem That's a first for me. Wow.