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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  PHD LPC
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Im 29. Weve been together for almost 2y. and he loves me

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I'm 29. We've been together for almost 2y. and he loves me and cares for me. We've been through a lot of good and bad. He said he want to give me more but for some reason he cant. He said he feels like he's stock and we need to take a break, so to realize weather or not we meant to be together. He doesn't want to move in together unless he's sure that I'm the right person to be marry to. He's 37 and all of his friends are married with kids- he feels time pressure. It became like a tumor for him- the idea of breaking up, so he can see how he feels. I love him and this is causing a lot of stress, I don't see my future without him, I'm depressed, and miserable. What if he will never come around? He said he has fun with me and I'm good for him in a lot of things, but in the long run he's afraid it not going to work out and he's not sure that that is what he wants. I understand that people are the ones who make things happen, it's not "destiny". Maybe he's just put himself under so much pressure that he can't take it anymore and thinks that it's easier to break up then to take step forward? Maybe it's middle age crisis? Please help to understand.
Hi Anna,

Sorry you are going through this rough time. At 37 he is mature enough to know what it is he wants and what it is he doesn't want. He is being honest with you and although this may be hard for you to hear, when someone tells you they love you and care for you but need a break, they are really saying I'm not ready or I do not want to get married to you right now or in the near future and he is saying it as gently as he knows how. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings. He is actually doing you a favor even though it doesn't seem like it right now. If you pressure him in any way now you will surely lose him. Why is he acting like this? He may fear committment, he could have family issues, he wants to marry for the right reason not just because all his friends are married or maybe he just doesn't want marriage at all (even if he says he does) Right now I know you feel that your future is him and marriage or at least living together. If you break up it will give him time to miss you and he may decide you are what he wants. I caution you though, this is not what usually happens, that happens most times in the movies, not in real life. It's hard to understand from your perspective since you believed you found "the" guy for you. If you have a hard time with all this emotionally I would suggest you see a therapist who can help you work through the loss (that is, if it happens). I wish you the best I know it's sad and heartbreaking for you.
Dr. Keane
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Thank you for your answer. I never pressured him and I was kind of OK with not moving in or not get marry just yet. How can he do this with me if he loves me?

It may be that he loves you but not enough to commit to you. Think of it this way, how would you feel if he didn't say anything to you and you moved in together or even married. A year or so from now poof! he leaves. If he is hesitant about the relationship going any further now you are lucky to hear it now instead of down the road when there might even be kids involved. Have you thought about going to therapy with him? I see a lot of couples before they marry and in certain circumstances it's the best thing you can do since it brings everything out in the open and a lot gets resolved before they decide whether to get married or not. It saves a lot of heartache later on and believe me it gets harder the longer the relationship lasts.
Hope this helps you understand a bit better.
Dr. Keane
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
He doesn't belive in therapy together, because if there something to cure then it's already wrong. He is a perfectionist and a bit of selfish when it comes to feelings. He went for therapy by himself once and his Dr. said that if he's so not sure of whats going on then we should see (date) other people. What a help! I know he's not dating other women and I don't think I can do to. So, should I just sit and wait or should I try to make him jeleous, or tease, or be around, or dissapear, or try to talk and work it out? And, how long is enough (usually) to realize that it's over and he is gone?
Hi, please do not try anything. Just go about your life and not jump if and when he calls you. Right now he is in the power position, he is the one who wants to split to find himself. Don't give him anymore power. You can ignore or delay answering any texts, phone etc. Be aloof but kind, don't go out of your way for him.
You can also tell him that he is wrong about therapy. It doesn't cure, it educates and if he can't decide what he wants then he needs some education about relationships starting with himself. Anyone who is a perfectionist is so because that is a means of control for them, they feel better and less anxious when things are "in order" and lined up neatly (not literally). If he is selfish with his feelings now look out. Right now you need to take a deep breath and not jump back into the dating pool. Deal with what you are feeling, let yourself grieve the loss. You will be stronger (I know you don't believe me) in the future. Think about what it is that you want. You have lot to offer and it's his loss in the long run. You deserve someone who will put you first. To answer what should you do I would tell you do nothing. I will say that the best way to feel good about yourself again is to do something for others whether it be to volunteer for a good cause or just do something nice for yourself (that works very well)....give yourself a specific time each day to brood over him (say 10 minutes in the morning) then tell yourself that's it and whenever you think about him and being sad tell yourself to STOP. Takes practice but it works. I hope this has helped you. If you need follow up I am here.
Dr. Keane
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oops, didn't answer how long...I can't tell you how long it will take...but you will know it when the time comes and you are over him. You know you learn something from every encounter, every relationship. It's because of this that you grow and develop a better understanding of life. At the time it can be painful but it's lessons learned that help us move on. I wish I could tell you that you will be over him in a specific time frame but it's different for everyone. I can tell you that if you get stuck ruminating over him and making it more that it was/is then it will take a long time.
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Thank you very much. My friends understand the situation, but non of them could give me a surtain advice.
I still surtainly hope that he'll change his mind. I'll try to be very patient. He was suppose to call me today about other important thing for me, but he didn't. I bet he's waiting that I'll call, playing "power position" with me or I'm just lying to myself.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Sorry, for not replying right away. something came up.
thats okay, I am on and off myself, we do not stay on for hours at a time in most cases...You're not lying you're hoping...and you got it with the power issue.....if he changes his mind be aware of his personality issues and I certainly would not let this relationship go on without some intervention and/or therapy to hone communication skill...good luck! I am going to close out this question.

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