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Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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Your in a relationship... not your type but you have grown

Resolved Question:

Your in a relationship... not your type but you have grown to love this person. He loves you and accepts you. The only draw back is that you have to move 200 miles away once you are married. This person is safe. Very secure in life...would never have to worry about money. Very secure.

You meet a man from your past whom you have always cared for. Your type. You do not have to move. The only problem, he has slept with your sister in the past and not sure if you can be in this relationship. This person is the love of your life but do not think you can let go of past. He also is in transition for a job. Has enough to get by but no job as of yet.

So should I stay safe with a man I do love and have grown to love, safe, and would never have to worry about anything in life OR do I go for the long lost love that has presented itself, not safe, and an issue with a past relationship, and not stable in life???
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.



Well lets look at this in pros's and cons.


Here is the pros's for each man you listed:


Stable Man




Loves you

Mature and responsible



Old Boyfriend


Do not have to move

Your Type




New Man



Old Love


Cheater (And since it was your sister this should count as 10 points!)

No Job

No Future


You can not let go of the past

Not responsible (If he was he would have a job)



Love can do a lot, but it isn't a miracle cure all.........the reality is while you may have once loved this old boyfriend the reality is it ended for a very good reason. Any man that would degrade himself so low as to sleep with his girlfriends sister isn't a man. I am not saying a man does not make mistakes, we all have been there before and even a man who cheats can change.....but a man who cheats with his girlfriends wife is lower then low and cared so little for you that he did not even offer you this compassion.


He does not have a job.....which is another huge issue. While yes a man who has lost his job isn't a immediate no no, the question is why isn't he in a more secure job? Does he lose work frequently, or simply not work? If so this is a big glaring sign of his worth as a man. A man who can not, or will not keep a job isn't responsible enough to be in a relationship.


The fact is getting over infidelity to begin with is hard.....but adding that he did this with your sister and its going to take a lot of work for you to forgive him. And the reality is if he cared so little about your feelings to cheat with your sister, then you have to question wither he would cheat again.....and with anyone.


You have a man who obviously cares for you, is response, mature and faithful. The move may seem scary.......but whats scarier, trusting a man who cheated with your sister or moving 200 miles away?


Of course I can not make this choice for you, only you know deep down what you want. Just make sure you do not trade a good secure happy life for one where you will end up miserable over something so small as a move.



Edited by Walter on 9/30/2009 at 4:59 PM EST
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I guess I did not explain myself all that good. The old boyfriend slept with my sister YEARS AFTER we broke up. We were 16 years old at the time we fell in love if you can call it that at that age. He had a relationship with my sister 20 years later. It has been 30 years since we were together.

With the economy being so bad, his job was restructured and he was let go. It is not that he does not want to work.. he does. He worked for this company for 23 years.

I have made bad choices in life with men...... married an alcoholic/drug abuser/physical/emotional abuse. If I am to marry again.. I want it to be a wonderful marriage with give and take. I feel this with the relationship in now. I just do not want to make a bad mistake!

Maybe this does not help in your thoughts?
Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.



Thank you for the additional information...........your original question painted him in a different light Laughing


As for your sister, of course this was not cheating, but it is something that may cause some conflict for you so it is something you will need to consider. The reality is you were 16 when you loved him, or cared for him. You both have grown and changed over the years and what you once felt is not going to be anywhere near how you feel right now. Of course, you could find that spark and live happily ever after......the problem is you do not want to lose what you already have on a "maybe"


The reality is it sounds like you have everything you need in your current boyfriend, of course the move is going to cause some anxiety but at the end of the day if he is everything you want and need then do not allow a move to cause you to question your feelings for him. Often what we think of as "Our type" typically is the wrong type. You can find a type of man you are attracted to every day......but that does not make him the kind of man who you can settle down with and make a good life with.


Of course your old boyfriend, is your type.......but then again your type has typically lead you into bad relationships in the past as you mentioned above. This new boyfriend isn't your normal type, and everything you want and need in a man. Which would be wonderful for you.


As I said above, I can not make this choice for you. But the reality is you have a good thing already, and chancing it on something you had 30 years ago is a big risk.



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