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Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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my partner says that sex to him is a form of fun not love,

Customer Question

my partner says that sex to him is a form of fun not love, he also has a habit of perving on other women and he knows it hurts me and he says it just a man thing and sometimes dosnt relize he is doing it, he also fantisies alot about watching me have sex with another person. i love him alot and i know he loves me but i cant seem to understand why he is like this.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 8 years ago.
Hey Kimp,

A very important issue here is that you're telling your partner that something is important to you, that something he's doing is hurting your feelings, and you're focused on understanding why he's like this? You're talking about what is important to you, and he's supposed to be trying to understand you so that he can make you feel loved, important and understood. You're being manipulated.You're doing both parts of the solution, and that leaves him free to continue to act out in ways that hurt you.

If he cared more for you than himself, it wouldn't matter if you were talking about eating carrots or being allergic to cats. It would matter to him and he would take your feelings into account to manage his behavior. Simply because you are you and he'd want to honor that. If he can't do that, either he's made a decision not to, he's not mature enough to do that, or something is not right within himself and it's stopping him from being truly respectful of you.

You have to decide how far 'understanding his problem' is going to matter to you. Are you going to understand it for the rest of your life? Are you going to draw th line in the sand today? In a month? After counseling? It's a very difficult decision to make, but you're going to make it one way or another. You deserve respect and dignity in your partnership, not humiliation and sadness.

I recommend that you confront the situation in a calm, firm way and draw your line in the sand....around you, not him. Don't tell him what to do, tell him what you'll tolerate in a relationship and what you need to feel safe and loved. Tell him the behaviors you don't tolerate. You're going to have to be willing to respect yourself enough to do this, and if you find that an issue, read up on Codependency untill you're ready to make your stand.

http://www.amazon.com/Lust-Anger-Love-Understanding-Addiction/dp/1402208685

http://www.ehow.com/how_2071918_overcome-lust.html?ref=fuel&utm_source=yahoo&utm_medium=ssp&utm_campaign=yssp_art

Good luck in your journey. Reading the links above will give you a great start - just keep at it knowing you're worth the energy and time!

Anna

Edited by Anna on 9/28/2009 at 10:24 AM EST
Expert:  Anna replied 8 years ago.
Hi Kim,

I noticed that you read my answer and didn't accept it - did I miss the boat on your question? Sometimes it can be hard for us to clue in on exactly what you're looking for in your question and we strike out. If thats the case, just let me know how to help you in a more effective way, and I'll do my best.
Anna