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Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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Can I still win my babys father over We have a 18 mnth old,

Customer Question

Can I still win my baby's father over? We have a 18 mnth old, but have never once been boyfriend and girlfriend. I know he loves me, he just doesn't want to be with me and hurt me, because he is still young and not ready to settle. Now, he just made someone else his girlfriend and I think he might be doing it so that I can get over him. He cannot make me get over him. I am in love with him. Can I win him back?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 7 years ago.
Dear always,

     You can't win him back - especially if you have never once been boyfriend and girlfriend. No matter what he feels about you, you sound very clear that he's never chosen you to be the one for him. I think your efforts would be better spent accepting that you cannot change his heart or mind.

Think of your baby and what your baby and you need to make your family. While you're stuck on someone who won't choose you, you aren't available for the ones who would. You'll be happier if your focus is meeting men who will want you back, love you and your baby and want to make a life with you.

Anna and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Ok, I understand what you are saying that he has never chosen me. But, the reason for this is that he knows neither one of us are ready for a relationship. He, like I said, is still chasing skirts, and I am dealing with some family issues that over the years has caused me depression, low self-esteem, and bad relationships skills. He has been able to see past all of this and truely loves me for who I am, but cannot see me as a girlfriend. He told me he got into a relationship partly to help me move on from him and see that I need to resolve my personal issues before I can be in any relationship. I know that I cannot win him back RIGHT now because we are not ready, but I also don't want to lose him to another girl in the mean time. We have been best friends for 3 years now and I spend almost every day with him and my son; I don't want to lose this friendship but I cannot keep my cool when I see evidence of other girls around. What should I do??? I want to be his friend and not alienate his decision, but I have a broken heart so can I be a true friend?
Expert:  Anna replied 7 years ago.
Oh, wow, Always. I didn't know that you spend every day with him. How painful for you! How old are each of you? Is that playing into this?

Are you doing everything you can to deal with your personal issues? I mean it - everything. Get yourself in order, get your life in order and make yourself into the person you would want to choose for a mate. Put your energy there. That will help you deal with the pain of seeing him with others, or evidence of it. Get online and google the issues you have - depression, self-esteem, single moms, and read blogs, join online self help groups, and read articles on codependency. It will take up most of your time, but nothing could give you more benefit in the short and long term. Lose yourself in your recovery project. Make yourself into someone anyone would choose. Make yourself ready for a relationship. You can do this, and you won't be the first to do it. You won't be alone either.

This will be the best for you, him and your baby. Write down a plan and then follow it every single day. Make a decision that you won't be on the sidelines anymore. If he's still able to resist the new you, someone else won't, and that might just be the push he needs to see you as a whole woman who is ready for a committed relationship. Go for it!
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Thank you! Your words are so encouraging and I truly beleive that this is the way he feels too even if he doesn't want to say it to me because he wants me to get better for ME and not for HIM. I am doing everything I possibly can, but this is a recent phenomenon (part of the reason I am online now asking these questions). I was a vitctim of incest and sexual abuse for 7 years as a child and never told anyone until about a month ago I told my son's father. I had supressed the emotions and he was the only one I trusted enough to see my "crazy" side (crying, agression, ect) so I finally broke down and told him what had happened and he has pushed me to seek counseling, confront my family, ect. I am 21 and he is 22. We were best friends for over a year before we accidentaly got pregnant and he stuck by me every single second (even moved in with me when my parents kicked me out), which is more than I can say for alot of men his age. Although he might have a girlfriend at the moment and she may be in his life forever, I don't know. He has told me that he wants something with me that he thinks he cannot have with a girlfriend or even wife....that is true 100 percent honesty and support. I think his views on that are somewhat warped because he still has apprehension about being tied down. I accept that about him and love him for it, though. He has never led me on to think he was ready for something serious, and I respect that honesty. Although it hurts to see him with another woman, I know deep down that one day he will realize that the BEST relationships do stem from true and honest and real friendships and he cannot marry someone (at least I hope) who does not know him completely the way I do. I just don't want to F*** things up in the meantime by hurting him out of jealousy. But, I see now that I must redirect that jealousy into all efforts on fixing my problem if I can ever truly be fixed I must have hope. Besides, what is there to be jealous of? He is clearly not ready for a relationship and it will probably end soon, but it will suck even more to see him hurt over someone else. I don't doubt that he cares for his girlfriend. In fact, I have thought about stepping out of his life forever just to let him be happy with her (she's not a big fan of me obviously bc I'm still in love with him). I thought if I did that it would show him how much I care and that I truely want him to be happy and don't want to stand in the way of that. Thank you so much for your thoughful answers. You will never know how much they meant to me in my time of need. One last question if you don't mind answering.... He has been here for me through everything and for the RIGHT reasons. He is going through a hard time right now and is just kind of a troubled soul. He tells me the only way I can help him is to help myself, that he will be content if I am happy. I truely feel like I have found the love of my life, but I don't know if I need to let him go in order for him to be happy. I know I can't help him myself because of my own issues, but how can I show him that I am here for him for the RIGHT reasons and not just in hopes of being with him?
Expert:  Anna replied 7 years ago.
Hey Always,

He'll know you're there for the right reasons because he knows you. Trust that. I wouldn't walk out to give the gf a free hand either - let him move as he sees fit. You don't have to manipulate anything. He knows you - he doesn't have to be "handled" by you. You would see through that and so would he. Just be true to yourself and let your energy be directed to your recovery.

About the incest. It wasn't your fault, and it wasn't something other than vulnerability and access that got you victimized. Get in touch with online recovery groups and an in person counselor. One out of 4 women has an unwanted sexual interaction before the age of 18 - you're not alone. It's a soul devestating occurance, but you can work your way back through your anger and outrage and into your own power. Literally millions of women have made the journey before you - take advantage of the paths they've made and heal. You can do this for yourself and your son. Go for it!

I'm going to need to close out this question. If you have anything else I can help you with, just put my name in the question and I'll get back to you. Take care of yourself, and enjoy that baby.


Edited by Anna on 9/25/2009 at 7:32 PM EST

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