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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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My girlfriend and I have a very tumultuous relationship. Our

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My girlfriend and I have a very tumultuous relationship. Our great times are truly great. We love each other and have a great time together. Our bad times, however, are disastrous. When a problem arises, I feel that she blows it to extremes and then tries to "beat me into submission." When I apologize, it's not the proper wording; should I make a genuine apology that she accepts, she will then continue to drill me and tell me how bad I am. I have told her constantly that I feel like the "bad dog" and I'm having my nose rubbed in a problem. I've asked her numerous times to work with me on problems, to try and step back and look at it as a team, but I consistently feel as though I'm shouldering the load of all of our problems...and it's hard, because we care for each other so much but I can't continue to feel like a doormat who needs to submit every time something comes up. What can I do? What books are out there? Help.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello Rcross,

You have to look at this in two ways. One way is from her point of view and the other is from your point of view and it's possible that the solution will not work for both of you. The first thing you want to do is ask yourself if you want to do everything you can to stay with her. Then you decide (by asking is the best way) if she is willing to do everything possible to stay with you. If both of you are willing to do everything possible to stay together then that is a great first step in the right direction.

From your point of view, you'll want to think about why you chose such a strong opinioned woman and ask yourself at what point did you start to resent her style of arguing. Was her style of arguing always this way? Did it get worse over time? Why didn't you stop it when it first happened? Do you like a strong/in-control woman? Do you prefer to let her have more control?

From her point of view she needs to ask herself why she feels the need to 'drill' you and pound her views onto you. Why you apologize but that's not enough for her? Does she really feel that you are sorry for what you've done? Is she insecure about the relationship itself?

You didn't mention what types of problems you were having. If you let me know what types of problems and arguments you are having I could perhaps provide more detailed advice about why you/she acts this way.

For now, it would be good for the both of you to make a list of the things you would like to change about yourself and the things you would like to work on with your partner. Choosing one thing at a time, you can take a week or more to work on each thing. This is not to say that something will change in a week, but talking about it and actively working on it is a start.

If counseling or couples therapy is something you can afford and you are both in agreement about going, it would be helpful with this issue. If you don't think you can afford therapy, or neither/either of you would be willing to go, let me know and I will pull up some self-help books for you.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thing is, it seems the problems are often small but the arguments escalate into a whirlwind of fire that can't be contained. I've noticed that our arguments always seem to go, "You do this," and the other (myself included) will respond with something like, "Okay, but you do this." And round and round we go in circles, and since I've noticed it I've made a conscious effort to put a stop to it, but I honestly have a difficult time of the way she handles problems that come up and is very unfair.

When I bring up some of my issues...her drilling me, her need to always have me apologize, she seemingly just throws it out the window. She won't even stop to consider them, telling me it's not true/not happening.

When we get into fights, I've told her that sometimes I need to step away for a moment so both of us can cool down and try to work things out rather than say things out of anger. She will say that's okay, but the moment I do it she tells me I'm "running away" and that I can't "talk things out with her" and that I let my emotions control me when I'm upset. And yet, whenever she's upset, she tells me that I'm supposed to "allow her to be upset" and be more understanding. It truly is difficult when I feel that all of these luxuries she wants are not given to me as well. I'm sure the truth is somewhere in's not as bad as I feel it is nor is it as great a non-issue as she is, but when I feel as though I can't bring a single thing to the table to try and resolve it, when it's either going to just be dismissed or I'm going to be told I'm "wrong," what is my next option? How can I talk to her in a way that's constructive and still telling her how I feel, and how can I have her listen?

With the apologies, she says she has an issue because a lot of times I'll say, "Sorry, but..." and it's a backhanded apology. I've told her that I understand and that I will try to work on things. An example...we went swimming a few days ago but got out later than she wanted and the sun was starting to go down. I said, "I'm sorry that I got out here so late" because I was busy with some work, and she proceeds to drill me about how it was the only thing she wanted to do. Go inside, and she tells me that I didn't apologize, that wasn't what she heard and that she's not making it up. It's part of the "it's a one way" relationship. I feel as though I must be walking through this cloud, this haze where I don't see/hear anything as it truly happens and that she is the only one with perspective because she will always say "I'm not making any of this up/that is what I heard" some variation thereof. How can we be successful?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
It's certainly not going to be easy. When two people see things on a total opposite plane, its a game of "he said/she said" and is usually best dealt with by having a third party that can "interpret" what's really happening as opposed to what each of you 'feels' is happening. It's not uncommon at all to feel like the two of you speak different languages or are from different planets. Really, most of the time men and women do speak a different language. The good thing is that with love and respect it's possible to overome this 'language barrier' and begin communicating better.

One of my suggestions is to talk to her and let her know that the next time the two of you have a problem, the only way the two of you can discuss it is through writing it down. You will have to write notes/letters back and forth about it, but you cannot discuss it out loud. Yes, email can be considered a form of written communication. When you do this exercise, you want to start each communication by saying "I feel" and try to refrain from being accusatory, but more expressive about how you feel about the situation.

Two good books to take a look at are

The Relationship Problem Solved and A Relationship for a Lifetime both by XXXXX XXXXX. I would check on Amazon and see if you can get used copies (much cheaper). When you get the books (you can get two copies), I would choose one night a week where you read one chapter during the week and on that night discuss that one chapter. You should both make notes when you read the chapter so you remember what you want to talk about on your 'book night'

If you want to take things up a notch, you could form a small group with one or two other couples that feel they need help in their relationship (don't be afraid to check out or post about it on craigslist or a similar site in your area.) The benefit of other people is it puts everyone on sort of their 'best behavior' and it also gives different points of view that neither of you may have thought of on your own.

Do consider therapy if you cannot work things out on your own. If you cannot afford it, some places have free couples therapy or individual therapy. Again, you can always consider starting your own couples group. Sometimes the best solution to our problems comes when we're helping others with theirs.

I welcome your thoughts, do let me know if you want to talk more. I wish you all the best, XXXXX XXXXX there does seem to be real love there.


Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thank you, I'm really taking some of these ideas and trying to find ways to apply them.

Unfortunately, I seem to be at a critical stage with her...she hasn't talked to me since Sunday. She left Sunday night (her stuff is still at my place) and I tried calling her the next day. She wouldn't answer, but sent me a text message saying that she was done, she doesn't want to fight anymore. I haven't heard from her sense. I'm just trying to give her space at the moment, not harass her, but it's quite difficult. Should this be the end, I've already ordered those books and I can hopefully learn something and grow from it...we've been down this path a few times before, but this is the most serious she's seemingly ever been.