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Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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I am a stay at home mom ,married 15 years. I 2 teenagers. Fr

Customer Question

I am a stay at home mom ,married 15 years. I have 2 teenagers. From the begining of our marriage my husband has hidden money, won't pay bills on time and controls my bank account by keeping a 0 balance in m bank account and only transfers money as he sees fit. He has a good business and makes good money. He refuses help with the discipline or things around the house . He says he works all day and doesn't have to to anything. The stress is making me physically ill and he has proven he will never change. I have stayed for years for my kids but it is getting to be too much. Please help me do the right thing.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.



How old are your children?


Do you think he will ever change? (Even with therapy)


How do you feel about him?



Customer: replied 8 years ago.
My kids are 14 and 15. We have been to marriage counseling and he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. He likes to make it look like I'm problem. He will even be dishonest about things. I have no feelings for him . I think he is a coward and a horrible , cruel person. I have tried to ignore everything but it is too much to handle.
Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.



Your above response was the key to your own question, "What should I do"? If you truly feel that way about him, and he is not willing to work on his actions then its time to make some decisions. While many marriages can make it if both partners are willing to work on things because they love each other, the fact remains that if he is unwilling to admit what he is doing, and you feel such disgust then chances are your marriage is already over and your simply moving though the motions at this point.


I can not tell you what to do, only you can make that choice. I can only help lead you to the answers you need before making a choice on what direction you should take. What he is doing is wrong, no matter how he sees it. A marriage is about working together and being partners........not one person controlling everything and doing it the way he/she wants it done. Otherwise one person (You) will begin to resent his actions.


Since you have already been to counseling and it did not help, now is the time to make some serious decisions. Its time to sit down and decide where you want to go from here. Many couples find that a separation is the best route for them. This gives you both time to get away from each other and evaluate where you are in your own life and wither there is enough love there to even begin to rebuild. A separation does not necessarily mean that your marriage is over........instead it is a time for you both to open up and say "We are at a breaking point and need to decide what to do"


Often a separation gives both partners time to cool off and look at the marriage for what it is. You can try marriage counseling again, while separated. Often this can be more beneficial then the first time around since you are no longer living as man and wife it is more serious and sometimes the guilty party is able to see that this time it is serious and if he does not make some changes he will lose you. Other times it gives both partners the chance to see that the love is gone and they do not wish to make it work. Having that space allows you both to be honest in where you want to go from here.


I can not tell you wither a separation is right for you, your children are at age where they are old enough to understand the situation and why you need to do what you choose to do so that main concern is a little less fragile then when they were younger. Of course they are in that awkward teen phase so do not under estimate their feelings in the matter and you may want to arrange for some counseling for them as well. Keeping in mind that while his behavior was directed at you for the most part, they still were aware of the tension and pain in the family and therapy will help them deal with this.


Wither you decide a separation is right for you or not is a difficult decision. What I would suggest is sitting down with your husband and letting him know that you can not and will not continue your marriage like this. Let him know what you are considering and talk with him about what is the best option at this point. Communication is the key here, even though you dislike him so much right now the reality is there are going to be a lot of changes depending on where you go in the future and being able to calmly discuss this is the start of how this will be handled in the future. You don't want to set yourselves up as enemies right it makes everything harder in the end.


I know this is a difficult time for you, and I do wish you and your family the best. If you need anything please do not hesitate to let me know.