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Ed Johnson
Ed Johnson, Consultant
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10760
Experience:  USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt
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would you consider sex as an important role in a realition

Customer Question

would you consider sex as an important role in a realitionship.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 8 years ago.

Dear please,


I consider sex to be an important and essential role in romantic relationships.


My answer assumes an engaged or married couple.


Communications is, I beleive the primary ingrediant followed by respect and love.


I believe that Sex is the second or third priority in any such relationship. The sex charged relationship is really a hallmark of a really great relationship.


While it is true that there are great relationships that do not have sex, these are rare.



Customer: replied 8 years ago.
somtimes i feel i cant adapt to it i dont know why. i could be all for it one minute and then the next i just go all cold and back out and cant go through with it,. i dont know why this is
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 8 years ago.

Dear Please,


Thank you for getting back to me. I understand what you are saying. this goes beyond the first question. You simply asked if we think it is important, and I provided the answer.


now you ask about your issues related to sexual behavior in your relationship.


Tell me this:


are you married?


How frequently do you have sex?


Do you have children or pets. Are they living at home.,


Do any pets share the home


Customer: replied 8 years ago.


yes i am married

have four children all living at home and aged from 13 years down to 20 months


have pets and none of them live in the house all stay outside


as for myself how often i have sex and to be honest very little at the moment.

Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 8 years ago.

Dear please,


thank you for the additional information.


What you describe for your circumstances is normal. There are many couples with children at home, in those age groups, who just do not have enough energy or time to be romantic or have sexual urges.


The stress of the circumstances can affect libido and function.


Have I hit the mark or come close?


Caring for children, maintaining a home, plus if you work, it is really a strain.


Do you and your husband get a break? say for example, time away without the children or the children away from you for a day or two or three?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

no we dont get time away let alone time together even if it was just for a few minutes each night just to talk about stuff

i understand what you are saying about running a home caring for children its a never ending story.

i dont know what to do and when ever i try to make the effort for us both something allways backfires.


ya i think your coming close or hit the nail on the head

Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 8 years ago.

Dear please,


The problem is that when couples have their attention and energy divided so much it is too great sometimes to sustain a vibrant sex life.


A solution will not necessarily result in a quick fix. It sometimes takes time. Still some couples have had success in a few days.


What needs to happen is for you and he to get to know each other romantically, all over again. Sounds hard in your circumstances, but it can be done.


Here are a few ideas to get you started. It is advisable to seek out a relationship counselor, not resolve issues between you, but to have assistance in rekindling the fire.


Here are some ideas:


1. Schedule a date night. Honor it. Get a friend din to take care of the kids or let the oldest do the baby sitting. (yes, her or she will be paid).


2. IN between the date night, take the time to right little get to know you notes or love notes and leave them in places they will be found.


3. Share the work load. If your husband is not already helping out, talk to him about some shared work time....for example: (a) Tuesday nights, he cooks, (b) Thursday night he does the dishes, etc. YOu may be doing this already, but look around, find out how you and he can work together to lessen the load. Do not be afraid to use the oldest to babysit once in awhile.


4. Once a month, your date night is a weekend and includes an overnight at a local hotel, AWAY from the kids.


5. Expensive, but worth it: send them to a week or two of summer camp. OR if you can not afford it, to a relatives home for a week or two.


time management becomes essential, but it is worth it.



Customer: replied 8 years ago.
thats sounds funny but good ideas thrown in but wahat age would you consider someone to be left to baby sit. my oldesi is only 13
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 8 years ago.

13 is a good age to start. Some start sooner. I was babysitting at age 11 for my parents, in a family of 5 children. Many teenagers begin babysitting for others at age 13.


The state laws do not dictate a specific age for babysitting, but only indicate a child's maturity and ability to care for self is a guideline.


There is a lot of potential in your 13 year old that may be overlooked.


There is growth opportunity here. The 13 year old may rebel at first at the thought of taking care of brothers and sisters, but you will enjoy the autonomy and the idea of "being the boss" once in a while.


Prepare the 13 year old by talking to him or her about it, and using him or her for short babysitting tasks, like watching the kids for a couple of hours while you go to the store for groceries.


If you have not already, have your 13 year old prepare a meal for the family.


Send the 13 year old to the red cross or YMCA for CPR classes.


You will be amazed at what happens. BUT the baby sitter must be paid for date night. (not necessary to pay for intermittent short time baby sitting when you go to the store, but for date night.....the sitter must be paid.)


You can do a Internet search for your location to find CPR classes. There may also be some so called babysitting classes offered.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

the 13 year old is well paid for anything he does. he just started second level school and gets lunch money everyday so ya you are right its pay back time to " mammy"


all joking aside i woundnt go off for a weekend and leave him with 3 children while i am off trying to improve my sex life.

Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 8 years ago.

Dear please.


Ok so three days away may be too much until he has a bit more experience.


for those longer days, You can hire someone to come in and take care of the child or leave them with a relative.


3 days may not be workable. The idea is to set aside some time to get away.


Also, and no offence intended here, I would not think of it as improving your sex life. The issue is improcing the relationship between you and your husband, which affects the quality of the family relationship.,


The health and quality of the primary dyad (husband and wife, mom and dad), directley affects the emotional health of the family and the children. The issues you are having with your sex life are a symptom of what is happening to your relationship with your husband. It is an early warning sign. Sometimes things can get worse and sometimes they do not. BUT it is none the less a warning sign.





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