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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21382
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I found out my boyfriend cheated on me by seeing his email

Resolved Question:

I found out my boyfriend cheated on me by seeing his email and text. Additionally I know he stays in touch with several ex-girlfirends. I agreed not to look at his phone, and I have not. I forgive him for the mistake, but unsure how to move foward and regain our trust. I feel I should have and need full access to his informaiton. On the other hand, he feels he shouldn't (and won't) let me see his phone. He feels it won't help rebuild our trust. He says he's not hiding anything wrong, he just doesn't share all because of his nature. I think if he can't tell me/show me/let me see, then something is up.
Who is right? or what is best to try and resolve the phone/email debate.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
Hello, and thanks for your question.

May I ask your ages?

How long have you been seeing each other?

When did you first find out he cheated?

Thanks for all your additional detail.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Yes, we are both 37 and neither of us have been married or have children. We have been dating since June 2008, I was very clear to ask when we were exclusive, I tried to set expectations clearly as we moved to exclusive in the fall of 2008. I found out he was cheating on me in December. I found several emails after that to her even after that. This April he moved to my home town (he had been 11/2 hour away). We do not live together, but he is now 3 miles away. He claims he was going through a transition and his move here was indication he was committed to me. I understand and forgive him, but struggle to know it doesn't happen again. Thus the issue to see his blackberry (text/blackberry).
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply with additional information about your situation.

While his move to your home town may indicate his commitment to you, if he cheated in the past, and won't let you see his blackberry, he's prone to cheat again. However, you really did invade his privacy when you looked at his blackberry and his email/phone or text logs.

He doesn't have to show you anything to prove he's not cheating. He just needs to respect the fact that you decided, together, to be exclusive. If he feels he can't honor that commitment, he needs to be honest with you and let you know this.

If he professes his innocence since the last incident and promises you he'll be faithful to you from now on, you have the choice to believe him and continue the relationship, or you have the choice to not believe him or give him a chance to prove himself. Doubt should not have to weigh on your mind re: his fidelity. The keys to a successful relationship are open and honest communication, respect, trust, and fidelity.

You don't need to see his blackberry to know if he cheated; you'll know if he slips up and/or if he's not where he's supposed to be when he tells you where he'll be. If you can't trust him, you need to have a serious talk with him about what commitment, 'exclusivity' and being faithful means. Tell him you expect this from him and if he can't do it, he should tell you right now. If he says he CAN do it, tell him you'll know if he doesn't; you don't need to see his blackberry. That should help him see you're serious about this, and keep HIM wondering how you'll know his every move (you won't, of course, but he'll think you will).

His blackberry is his and it's private. You wouldn't want him looking at YOUR cell phone or PDA, etc., I'm sure. Even if you had nothing to hide, it's still considered private. If you feel you can't trust him, you shouldn't continue being in a relationship with him. If you're giving him another chance, and he messes up, he's out of there, and make this perfectly clear to him.

I hope things work out well for you.


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