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Ask Cher Your Own Question
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21416
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I would appreciate an opion on my x and if he still feels anything

Customer Question

I would appreciate an opion on my x and if he still feels anything for me or am I just imagining things?? Anyway, I broke up with my partner 9 months ago now...but he still gets to me!! We were going out for 10 months and out of the blue, he said he was unable to fall in love (really due to his x) and it would be unfair to carry on. Some months ago I asked him to give us another chance and he replied...I just don't think it would work from my end!! To me this did'nt mean no. Anyway, I show a weakness by texting him sometimes but he always replies and asks how I am. At which point I feel confused and wonder if there is something still there. He phones me and recently phoned and I suggested meeting up (as friends) he has agreed. He told me he was seeing someone but to be honest he did'nt seem to bothered (especially if he was still contacting me). I do feel foolish for still giving him the time of day and I can't let go..but I don't feel he is letting go either. What do you think??
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.

May I ask your ages?

Do you know the situation with his ex before you, and why he felt he was unable to fall in love?

Have you already met with him, after that phone call, or is this a future event?

Does he share information about the person he's involved with, now, with you?

Thanks for all your additional detail.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
My age is 39 and alex is 43. He was married for 17 years and his wife left him for someone else. We met about 8 months later which I know was'nt that long after....but we did hit it off and I did fall for him. To meet with him is something that I suggested, but he did say yes and we discussed one evening. This is something I feel I need to do myself to find out if there is anything worth fighting for or otherwise I feel that meeting him could be the closure I possibly need. He has been seeing someone else for a few months, but he said it has been on and off and he's currently giving it a second chance for the moment. I said I am glad that you are happy at which he replied I would not say I am happy, I am just trying to enjoy life.
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, reennie, and thanks for your reply with additional and helpful information.

I think the main part of his problem re: commitment and relationships may have started when his wife of 17 years left him for someone else. This was very hurtful to him, as you can imagine, and also, a blow to his confidence. When he met you, and I think 8 months is a respectable period of time, and you enjoyed each other's company, etc., that was great; however, even though I'm sure he cared for you, and still might, he's afraid to really throw himself into a longterm relationship, fearing he will be hurt again. I'm mentioning this, because it's important that you know what might be guiding his actions. It's most likely subconscious, and he doesn't even realize he's doing it or why he's doing it.

As far as your current situation, if he keeps in touch with you by phone, that's a 'plus' on your side, and I think you're approaching this in a very mature way. It's important to attain closure, and if meeting him will help you do this, that's very good for you. On the other hand, if he doesn't seem 'thrilled' with his new girlfriend, maybe there IS hope for the two of you to get back together, as you said, you'll know if there is something 'worth fighting for', when you meet with him. But, please approach this meeting with no expectations, so you're not disappointed afterward, if things don't go the way you want them to. You really can't walk away with any bad feelings; if you get closure, that's a feeling of satisfaction/if he gives you an indication there's still a chance for the two of you, you'll be encouraged.

The fact he continues to call you is good, but don't read more into it. If he wants to use you as a sounding board for his current relationship, don't get pulled into that web, as this kind of situation never ends well.

Meet with him, and see how it goes. Just remember, don't be overemotional, and let him do the talking, and see where he's at in his life. If he's 'just trying to enjoy life', but doesn't say he's 'happy', that's a pretty 'telling' statement.

After your meeting, if he doesn't give any indication he wants to start over with you, wish him well, walk away with your dignity and your closure, and move on with your life. In fact, although you still have feelings for him, it might be better, emotionally for you, not to continue your contact on the phone; this may hinder you from moving on and meeting new people. Any new boyfriend/relationship might be jealous or feel uncomfortable with your continued contact with an 'ex', and that's understandable.

I hope things work out well for you, and so far, I think you've handled this in a very good way, and will continue to do so.

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Hi Cher and thankyou v much for your thorough response. I would just like to ask you a little further. You said not to get overemotional when I see him, but some emotion is ok...right? How should I approach the meeting?? Do I openly express my feelings and ask him again for another chance? Or do I approach him as a friend and just see what happens? I will find it hard not to express some feeling and recently I told him I still miss him and he did say he misses me too. The main thing I want to clarify here in my own mind we have a chance? or do I walk away? Also, do I mention how he seems to portray his new girlfriend and hence contacting me and still hanging on to my feelings too? Your right in saying he is scared of commitment and I could almost guarantee he wont allow his current relationship to work. Again, do I try to reassure him by saying to him that I know in my heart I could really love him?? Thanks....and I hope you can make sense of my quesions????
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, reenie, and you're most welcome. Thanks very much for your accept and your reply.

Yes, expressing 'some' emotion, when you see him is fine. You just don't want to get 'over' emotional and hang your heart on your sleeve, because that would leave you open for additional heartache. Be yourself; if you're a naturally bubbly, expressive person, tell him you're glad to see him, hug and/or kiss him hello (on the cheek), and try to let him do most of the talking. Stress that what's most important to YOU is that HE is happy. Don't mention anything specific re: his current girlfriend---let HIM bring it up, and if he seems to express his dissatisfaction with the relationship, be supportive and tell him you only want him to be happy.

You can mention or remind him of some of the best times of your relationship, and say or imply casually, wouldn't it be great to have that again? We had such great times.....say, I think we have something special, and we've said we miss each other, so I do hope we keep in touch and can see more of each other......something like that.

It's difficult for me to give you 'exact' words to say, because you will be in the actual situation. What you want to achieve is a mixture of keeping it light and not 'pressuring' him at all, and yet not seeming 'aloof or disinterested', because you ARE interested, you just don't want him to see you as a lovesick puppy. Keep your cool, but be yourself and show your best qualities you know he loves about you.

Do you have a chance (as a couple) or should you walk away? I can't say for sure, but you'll have to decide that when you see his reaction. If he seems uncomfortable or confused, don't say anything 'definite' when you leave each other, because if the door remains 'open' for further communication, that's always a plus, on your side. However, if he says anything hurtful or expresses you could never recapture what you had or he's not interested in going back to what you had, you can quietly tell him goodbye and wish him happiness.

As you can see, you have to have at least 2 plans and try to anticipate what will take place, but only YOU can react 'in the moment', to what he says.

I hope I helped, but I know you're in a tough situation. : ) Please let me know what happened, after you meet him in person. Just click 'reply'

Cher (I'm sending this as a 'request for information', just so you don't get prompted to 'accept', an additional time)
Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Hi Cher

You asked me to let you know how things went with Alex. I met him at his house and we had a meal and we were getting on really well. We got close and ended up in bed but I was disciplined and we did'nt have sex. However, we did have an argument and I told him a few home truths regards XXXXX XXXXX wife. (She did'nt want him back etc etc) I had explained that I needed to see and explain how I felt....but he does'nt feel the same, in fact he said i need to move on. (I'm still confused about his feelings because at 1 point he'd said I was going to ask that we get together for a walk or something.) I've had time to reflect and after the evening, I had even said to friends that he can go to hell. However, I still feel that I cannot forget him entirely and I really want to remain in contact with him. Am I crazy?? or just found someone I care about??

Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, reenie, and thanks for your update re: Alex.

I'm glad you finally got together, but the outcome wasn't exactly what you expected.

I think, after that evening, you do need to let go and move on with your life. It's alright to still have some feelings for him, as it's not easy or 'instant' to get over someone you have been in a relationship with, but he made it pretty clear how he felt, and I think he may be confused with the things going on in his life at this point, as well, so it would be best for YOU to move on.

Don't remain in contact with him, as this will only prolong your emotional stress and ambivalence. If you don't speak to him or see him, you'll be able to get over him and start meeting other people.

You're not crazy; your reaction is very normal, but you just have to put YOU first, now. You deserve happiness and it doesn't seem, from his recent behavior, like you're going to achieve that with him. You deserve someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and make you happy all the time. You shouldn't have to guess and wonder about someone's feelings, when you've made yours clear.

It will take a while to forget him entirely, but when you start meeting new people, the memory of him will fade.

I wish you all the best.