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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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currently going through break up from long-term relationship

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currently going through break up from long-term relationship w/ fiance. he was abused as a child and has grabbed me hard, pushed me, and said terrible things to me about 2-3 times during the whole relationship of 6 years. he was abused as a child, and I know this plays a huge role in the abuse. He is a wonderful person, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt each time until now - this time I fear that it will never change... I miss the "normal him" there were far more good time than bad, and I have mized feelings of should I stay if he gets help like he promises or should I just be down with the relationship and be miserable with out him - he is/was my best friend. its so very difficult and unreal. please help... do you think there are ways to make it work?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


Only if he gets the help and sticks with it can your relationship work, if he doesn't get the help it's more than likely his behavior will continue and possibly get worse. I would suggest that you give him at least six months of therapy before making your decision and if the counseling seems to be working then I would make my decision but you have to give him a chance and time to prove to you that the help is going to benefit him in the long run. Patience on you part is going to play a crucial part of his healing from the past abuse, if he sees that you are willing to stick by him he will be more apt to stay in counseling. Be sure to stand up for yourself to let him know that you won't put up with that kind of behavior. If he's calling you names and insulting you, don't just hang your head and wait for the storm to pass. Hold your head up high and let him know this is wrong. This will let him know that you're not the kind of woman who will let him get away with verbally abusing you, even if he apologizes a million times afterwards. Tell him that he is pushing you away and once you are gone you will not come back this will make him see that he needs to get help or he will lose you forever. If you have already warned him and he still remains verbally abusive after the counseling, then it may be time to throw in the towel and just leave him but make sure you give him at least six months of the counseling and make sure he sticks to it. If he is not willing to change his behavior even with the counseling, then there are consequences and those consequences mean losing you. I think at least a year of counseling is needed in order for him to tackle not only past abuse but his current signs of abuse towards you.



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