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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21378
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Hi I am back once again asking a some questions about my relationship.

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Hi I am back once again asking a some questions about my relationship. Here are the statistics of it.
He is 43 and I am 32, he has a son and is divorced. Starting dating in April. Come May, work got very stressful for him and so does not have much time to call and get together.
This work deal was supposed to close on July 31 but now has been changed to Aug 31. He has also been asked to commit solid Sept and Oct to the new company for the transition time. He claims when he is stressed out he does not want to talk. Acknowledges that he knows he should call me but just cannot bring himself to talk due to the amount of stress. Well, he cannot also commit to any plans as he claims that he does not want to break any promises. He says that he feels guilty about the whole situation but his hands are tied up for now. He has said that he is not ready to leave me because he thinks we can work out but cannot put in any time. At this point I am not sure what to think, he is geniune unfortunately.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, Alexie.

I'm sorry to hear that you still find yourself in the same situation, and now your boyfriend's project deadline has been changed to August 31.

How often are you speaking with him lately? Is it by phone and/or email, text, etc.?

When was the last time you saw him?

Do you live in the same general area? You initially said this was a long-distance relationship, but how far away are you from each other?

When he said he's not ready to leave you because he thinks you can work out, but cannot put in any time, how did that make you feel? You seem to think he is being honest about everything--you said he is being 'genuine'.

If he will still be busy in Sept. and Oct. with work, how does the future look, for you to get together or have more of his time, after Aug. 31?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Hi Cher,
Well as far as speaking lately, it is very inconsistent. He tries for once a week but in July he went two and a half weeks. From then he has done at least once a week, he says that he will talk when he feels that he can talk. He has also admitted that he knows he should talk to me but he is so stressed out sometimes that he cannot do it..... HUH??

The last I saw him was on May 3rd. I did mention that to him and he was surprised, he said he did realize it was that long ago, and said that it felt like it was just yesterday

No we do not live in the same area, he is 380 miles away.
As far as how I felt, well, to be honest I know he is being geniune that is what makes it so hard for me just to let go. I have to truly care about him and he has admitted to deaply care about me too. I guess it is a good thing but I am a girl and need some actions with his words you know......

He has not mentioned anything as far as us getting together after Aug 31st, so I do not know and do not want to ask because part of me wants it to come from him. He has no idea what demands on his time the company will have either so what to do from here???
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, Alexie, and thanks for your reply with some additional information about your situation.

While I feel, from your description, that he IS being genuine and he does care for you, the fact that you barely speak, have not seen each other very often, and had just met in April, before his big project started in May, what sort of relationship do you really have? It's important to consider this, because, if he has no time to see you/speak to you, and is all-consumed with work, there's a possibility things will always be like this. Let's project (imagine) into the future---you finally get together, you feel you're in love with each other, you get married--it seems work will always come first, to the exclusion of you. A relationship/marriage is a partnership and each partner needs to contribute, equally. Realistically, due to different occupations and other outside factors,
sometimes one partner does have more work obligations than the other, but have you heard the expression: "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy"? If he NEVER (or rarely) has the time, strength or desire to at least speak to you, over such a long period of time, think about what you really 'have', now.

While I understand you feel strongly about each other and would like to make it work, due to the current (and I believe, what will be 'ongoing') circumstances, I don't think there's much of a future with him, as things stand, now. He really can't make a relationship work if he is not 'present' in it.

My advice to you for the time being, is not to continue to put your life on hold for him and his rigorous work schedule. Continue to keep him as an 'option' to date, when he may have the time, but if you would like to meet other men, and start dating, you should not give up a social life or male companionship because you're waiting for him. You may feel like you are in a 'relationship', but truly, you are not. Relationships include communication and in person 'face' time, and you are not receiving any of this.

While I'm not saying he's not being honest with you, because of the fact that you don't live near each other and because he says his work takes up all of his time, you really can't verify if this is true. It's just hard to believe that a man would not make time to speak to a woman he cares for, despite not having the time in his schedule to see you in person. Think about it and think about your busiest day. There are mealtimes, there are five minutes right before bed, when you can speak to someone by phone, or email or text. He may be 'hardworking', and that is admirable, but to have work take up every minute of every day, for so many months, is just not plausible. I would not like to think that you are being taken advantage of, and being asked to 'wait', until he's ready or has the time to speak to you/see you. But, I would be suspicious of what he's telling you, and not to make a big deal of it with him, but for your own happiness, if you want to, you could start dating some more local men who will 'be there' for you, and let him call when he calls and when he proposes your next meeting, whenever, you might or might not be available.

I'm not suggesting you 'play games' or make him jealous; not in the least. He needs to understand that what he's doing to you re: asking you to 'wait' for him, is not fair to you and if you also feel it's not fair, you need to start dating others. You can decide if you want to develop more of a serious relationship with any of the men you date, or not, but I don't think waiting around for his work schedule to let up, which may never happen, is contributing to a satisfying relationship for you.

There's no denying you're in a difficult situation, but I hope some of my views/suggestions have helped you, and whatever you decide and whatever happens in the future, will make you happy, because remember, above all, you deserve happiness.

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